So work today was really extremely not cool.

I work in a school supply warehouse, and the work there is extremely mindless. I can think about 20 other things while doing my job and still get everything correct. This isn’t really a good thing.

About maybe an hour in, obsessions kicked in. My OCD likes to dredge up problems from my past. Today, it was old relationships. I’m currently single, and my two biggest past relationships were with a guy for a year, then two months, where he cheated on me and I didn’t find out until much later; and with a guy for six months who had no relationship experience in the past and let me think he liked me waaaay more than he actually did. Both ended badly. Both knew I had OCD, but they didn’t know the extent of it. They didn’t know the real reason thatI stayed up all night thinking: obsessions about them leaving me/not wanting to be with me/etc.

I’ve analyzed these situations over and over and over again, and have gotten the same answer every time. The OCD doesn’t care, and so I’m halfway forced to analyze even more, and then dream up situations that are completely irrational, or imagine past situations had they gone differently. It’s painful. I feel my anxiety in the middle of my chest…and if it’s bad enough, all my muscled get tense and, at its worst, I break out in hives. Right now I’m just really tense and almost crying. I hate this so much.

I have another appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. He wanted me to work on relaxation techniques. When I really WANT to relax, though, is when I can’t- while I’m at work. I don’t have OCD listed as a medical condition on my forms at work. I also didn’t think this would come back and affect me quite as badly.

I’ve been having issues with textures and sounds, too. At work, mostly.
I can’t stand the feel of some paper/cardboard, stepping on paper, two sheets of paper rubbing together, paper near water….it’s odd, but really handicapping, if I let it get the best of me, which is pretty much forbidden.

I don’t want pity. I don’t want sympathy. I want support from people that are going through the same sorts of things. I’ve gotten plenty of pity and sympathy from people who have no idea what I’m going through. I don’t have a single friend or acquaintance that has OCD and knows what the flip is going on.