Aight…i’m gonna try this one last time before i give up on trying to write today.  *sigh

i managed to get through yesterday’s initial meeting (again).  i did feel a little bit awkward, since the new therapist inquired about the mobile crisis unit–if i was aware of it and had the contact information, should i be in need.  Ya know, for the most part, i still go through moments, almost daily, when i feel completely hopeless, worthless, and even lifeless.  But, i still remind myself how important it is for me to not be a quitter, especially where my boys are concerned.  Of course, i would really LOVE to be in closer contact with both of them.  But, for now, it is what it is and i’ll do what i can–i just don’t perform miracles, since it’s not in my job description.  i have been trying to keep focused enough to try and get to tonight’s meeting (Families Anonymous).  If it’s raining as bad as it has been, at least in part today, i fear i’ll miss another one….and, i really do need to feel the support that emanates throughout that room while the meeting is going on.  No matter how we may feel as individuals, when we’re in a meeting, there’s no judgment.  If life were so easily managed….*sigh  i did manage to touch on almost every issue i’d written on my list, even the part about what happened yesterday morning.  i know how weak i can seem, at times…at least in the ways i cope or avoid confrontation.  As i’ve said before:  Until they’ve walked a mile–or more–in my shoes, NO ONE has any right to judge my actions.  (And, the same goes for anyone else, too.)  Who’s to say what’s right or wrong in any particular situation, until they’ve actually experienced it, first-hand?  Even so, there can always be another solution to solve a particular problem–doesn’t have to be one specific answer, in most situations.  With that being said, my therapist suggested i try and make it a point to have some time, every day, for me.  Set some time aside to meditate or write or just think about things and people in my life, and allow myself to feel…..and become emotional if i need to.  Well, with all this pouring rain we’ve been having, and the storms that came a lil closer last night, i started thinking about my kids.  We’d always hang out when storms would hit.  If the power would go out, i’d light a lantern or two and we’d talk and play cards or a board game, and just spend some time together….simple times….  *tears…  i guess thinking about them must’ve initially led me to look on Shelby’s profile page for her email….and i finally saw the video for her ‘graduation’….i didn’t even know there was a ceremony for getting your g.e.d.  But, i’m glad i saw it, even now.  She even looked thin, at that time….but, what’s done is done and i can’t change it.  i can’t control what’s happened, anymore than i can control anyone else’s behavior or thoughts.  All i can do is be myself and care, lend a shoulder, and share my own experiences–since that’s all i have to go on.  Once i got finished with that video–which was all of about 6 minutes–i had to refresh my memory for Petey’s graduation, as well.  So, i fast forwarded to where he was called, and watched him walk across the stage again.  Of course, it’s surreal….i mean, one of my children is still living and the other isn’t.  It bothers me, too, that i–their mother–couldn’t actually say i was proud of my daughter, until she was gone, and i found out some things she’d actually done, despite the amount of pressures her father and grandparents put on her.  i am very proud of my daughter!!!!  i’m also proud of my son!!!!  And, even now, i’m proud of my grandson–who’s not even started school yet!!!!  So, this is where my heart is today……


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