I have this friend here at college who insults us but in a loving way. I know that probably doesnt make sense but at the end of the day hes just a nice guy. Well normally things he says doesn't get to me but i've been so down lately that everything he says even when he's just kidding is killing me inside. I don't know how to be happy yesterday or today and my friends are noticing. They want to help cheer me up now but I feel like if this continues all week then they're going to get tired of me being depressed. I mean I don't expect them to put up with it so I try to just hide away but they come to my door and want me to do something.

Plus i'm feeling fat. Since i suffer from anorexia (though i've been trying recovery and its bouncing back and forth like crazy like I can't make up my mind and i'm just split in two halfs and it is literally driving me insane.) But anyways. I have a 12 swipe meal plan and I've used 6 of them already but i've been buying food thats more expensive by my friend who insults us alot, Ryan, is like "you're already at six swipes? what have you been doing! its tuesday!" and I wanted to just turn right around and throw up. I did work out this morning but not enough. its never enough and I just keep getting fatter and fatter i'm sure of it.

Now onto the next issue. I like this guy in my Residence Hall, he is so sweet and really cute and just a honestly good person adn he and I have tons in common at least when it comes to pop culture stuff like cartoons and movies and stuff. But I don't want to like him now. I have known/realized i liked him for like 5 days? But now I just don't want to because its too dissapointing knowing he will never like me back. and I mean who wouldn't like him? that's what one o fmy friends I told said. So I mean maybe I will just stop liking him and it will all be okay. My life is going to work out better with the plan I have if I stay single.

But its depressing deciding to stay single forever. I guess i'll just be my own girlfriend. Nope scratch that that sounds really weird. I gues i'll just be alone forever. this phase of wanting someone, of liking him, will pass if I will it too. I just have to keep coming up with things that could go wrong if he and I ever got together.

Not that we ever will because i'm believing every insult Ryan throws at me and also i'm fat.

I hate feeling like this and now I have so many assignments I don't even have the willpower to do because i'm depressed and the only option I have left is shutting myself off and turning into a machine who mechanically does homework, and is always happy and works out and never eats because then I only feel things late at night when I cant get to sleep and I have medicne to help with that. I don't want to shut down but it's the only way out of all of these problems and maybe it'll help delay the depression.

If you read this entire thing then thank you so much. its nice to know someone is reading.