This is all over the place so excuse me for that. My mind just starts spitting things out and sometimes it's better to let it do that in order to purge myself of all the negative feelings and hurt I have inside…

Why are people such liars?!you know people are but hope they are being honest. Since being single I have dipped my foot into the dating waters. Last year in October I met this guy and we clicked instantly but he had a lot of things going on, as did I, and I just didn't feel like he was putting in the effort into it. As hard as it was… I had to let him (I'll call him guy 1) go. So we stayed on friendly terms and talked every now and again still having that thing between us. You know when you find someone or do something but it's so right but just not the right time? Well that's what we had. So anyways I tried dating after him with not much success. I just couldn't get him out of my mind. Plus I was very intolerant of ppls bs so I just dismissed guys. Then in April I met someone (guy 2)and had just started getting into him when this guy starts contacting me again. Total c block. He wanted to see me because I owed him a birthday outing. I didn't expect anything or for him to even come but he did and at the end of dinner he kissed me and basically spilled his guts. Something he hadn't done before. Of course I started blubbering like a lil baby and explained to him how hard it was for me to let him go and how I still cared for him. Which was true. So I asked him “what now?” He said “I don't want to stop talking to you blah blah blah…” I told him that it was a good time to get to know each other again and take it slow. Well we did… I forgot to mention that he live really far from me. When we first started talking I asked him why in the world he wanted to talk to me if I lived so far away. He said he liked to drive. Anyways… once again he lagged it. And even though we talked on a daily basis I still wasn't seeing him. So I slowly stopped talking to him.and the last time I talked to him was father's day. Oh I forgot to mention that I kind of sabotaged things with that other guy and we stopped seeing each other. That other guy was actually everything I was looking for and we clicked in every way but I wasn't feeling him emotionally. I liked him but was kind of going through th motions I guess. I guess I thought this guy was finally gonna step it up. I was wrong. So I was over guys for a while even though I did manage to go out with the last guy. I was over men and their mind games. Then on the 4th of July I started talking to this guy (guy 3). Just talking cause he was really cool. We have both been very hurt by ppl and just had awesome conversations. A real switch from what I was having to deal with. So we've been hanging out since then and go out every weekend and just have fun. There is no expectations and it's been pretty good. He has alot of problems with depression like I do so maybe that's why we have kind of bonded. Sometimes he gets a lil distant but is still always there. Now with guy 3 I really don't expect much from him because of all the pain he still goes through. I don't put pressure on him because I don't want any on me either. We care about each other alot and have an understanding that if we don't want this anymore then we just have to say the word and part as we need to with no hurt feelings. Easier said than done right? Lol so a couple weeks ago guy 1 is back and we're talking again. I swear I don't know why guy 1 has this hold on me. It's like I have a feeling that we have something that could be awesome and just never got a chance to be because the timing was all wrong. This time I kept it purely friendly nothing about feeling or emotions. Then last week he starts being flirty and all this other crap and I'm like whoa. Cause I'm usually the aggressor. Really threw me off. And once again I started falling for his bull. Well, this morning I was like wtf with dude. So I decided to look him up on facebook. Something I hadn't done since we broke up the first time in january. Well all over his page is pics of him and this girl. I was like wow! You mfer. Well he doesn't have anything about being in a relationship like others do. So I click on her profile and it says they've been in a relationship since April. What whawhat?? April was the last time I saw him when he confessed his feeling and all this other shit. Wtf?! So I feel like a complete asshole. Like an fool. Why would he do this to me again. I had contemplated possibly leaving guy 3 if this guy had approached me and wanted to make it work. What a fool I am. I didn't want to see him (guy 1 ( as this type of person because we've been pretty honest with each other. Well I thought anyways. I guess I kinda didn't want to think he was the same but he is. I think the same of guy 3. I try not to get so attached because I know they will pull some shit eventually. It's a horrible way to be in a “relationship” with someone but it seems like everyone is always looking for the greener grass. I just don't know anymore. I probably sound like an awful person for letting this one guy fuck me up when I'm with someone. Well I honestly can say that I would never intentionally hurt anyone. I have always been honest with guys about this one guy 1. Luckily I didn't do anything stupid this time like I did the last time. And I guess the facebook snooping came because I didn't want him to play me again. After his change on attitude last week it just made me question what his intentions are. So even though I'm pretty devastated to find all this out about him… I am also glad to know because I can finally let him go. In October of this year it will be a year of this fucking song and dance with him. He's been holding me emotionally hostage. There is this song by the Arctic Monkeys called “Do I wanna know”. I started hearing that after we broke up in January. Would kill me every time I would hear it. Still does a bit. The ghost of him can finally be laid to rest. Now I can proceed with my life as I need to. Idk if guy 3 and I will last but I will enjoy him while he is here. We are 2 broken souls and I think we need each other right now. It's almost a partnership of convenience but I guess right now I kinda need that. My heart and feelings are just all fucked up. I hope no one gets this horrible bad idea about me. I am just a person who is looking to have something we all want. I just feel with my head all fucked up i will never be able to have something healthy with someone. Almost makes me think why should I bother. I bother because I'm a person who has never known love and I guess is desperately trying to find it. I'm bro baby going the wrong way about finding it. Dating this day an age is so fucking hard. I thought it would be easier at this age but it's not. Makes me want to throw in the towel but I still hold out hope that one day I will find it. In this state of mind should I even be trying to get involved with anyone? I think about that all the time. Then I think this is who I am. I will always be off a bit and whoever I'm with just needs to accept that. Ppl get scared of mental illness. Just because ppl suffer from this doesn't mean we aren't capable of loving. I really hate being all jumbled up like this. I know i have opened up myself to being judged and misinterpreted but I needed to get all this crap off my chest. I actually feel a lil better. I needed to get guy 1 out of my heart and mind so I can move on. R.I.P feelings for him. It was nice knowing you you liar!

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