Day 60

I don’t want to continue being obsessive with my daily logs.

I identify that what I’m doing is just another obsessive compulsion – I’m checking in with myself with these daily (sometimes hourly ) logs of my feelings and thoughts.

So I took a few days off.

I’ve started to ask my parents to not ask me how I’m doing.

So much emphasis is being put on how I feel and I need to accept that feelings are feelings and they change and it’s okay.

When I see them and they ask “You having a bad day?” I won’t answer. I smile instead. If I feel bad or crappy in that moment I may tell them but it will change.

Lately, I have been working on cutting compulsions and it’s hard – particularly the mental ones.

I realized I was praying the same prayers over and over because I wasn’t getting it “right” the first time.

I had to cut that out.

My body feels like it’s withdrawing from compulsions and I will be honest, it’s so uncomfortable. Like I'm crawling in my skin.

I woke up this morning and right off the bat I get a thought, “Are you depressed? Do you feel suicidal?” And I want to so badly just yell back “COME ON ALREADY! I JUST WOKE UP!” But I have to ignore.

I have to stop reacting to the thoughts. The more I react to them the more they come.

I’m not suicidal and I would never harm myself because of my values so I need to trust that and move on.

I painted outside for a few hours today and even doing something like that I thought “What if I drank the paint?”

It’s something that so many people don’t understand but it’s the most annoying thing. I will get my mind healthy again. I am determined. I am working out everyday. I am eating healthy meals and trying to get enough sleep though it’s hard to sleep with the thoughts. So I know that God willing, I’m doing my part.

I see my therapist on the 31st. She uses Mindfulness which I like but I don’t think she has any OCD clients. But I’m happy to just talk with her. I would love to find a OCD specialist because I’m ready to move towards mental health. Living with this daily is hard work so I know I’m capable of working hard on this. I just wish there were more OCD professionals in my area who could help me set up a plan of action to recovery.

Thanks to thosefor commenting on my post. Loneliness plays such a huge part in this and when someone comments it makes me feel a little less alone in this battle. So thank you again.

4 Comments
  1. Profile photo of Dent838
    Dent838 2 months ago

    Hey.  That sounds exactly where I was at with a therapist.  She pushed Mindfulness all the time and I learned some techniques but it never really stuck for me, no matter how much I wanted it to.  It felt good to talk, but she didn't deal with OCD.  Gotta find that specialist sometimes, but yeah, tough to find someone to treat that in this area too.

    And I hate when thoughts hit me as soon as I wake up.  I look forward to those couple of minutes before I'm really awake and my mind is still all cloudy… then it starts racing.  Never lasts long, dammit!

    Good for you though, sounds like you're hitting it head-on.

     

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  2. Profile photo of buffster
    buffster 2 months ago

    I feel badly that you've not found a therapist you're comfortable with in terms of their creditials to treat OCD.  I dunno how close you are to an urban setting there in Connecticut, however you should look into your community mental health center, or psycho-social rehabilibation center or "PSR" as they are known in the field.  They might be able to set you up with a therapist with more training in OCD.  Plus, they have other resources like caseworkers & other counselors there who might be able to steer you in the directions you need.  Good luck with this, & a belated welcome to the Tribe.

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  3. Profile photo of DukeFame
    DukeFame 2 months ago

    Thanks for the comments! 

    Yale has an OCD center with specialists but it’s a few hours away from me. 

    I hope one day I can travel there. I’m working on traveling longer distances since I have fears of traveling on a highway, being far from home, having to use an elevator. So I’m trying to get myself to the point where I can do those things in order to get better help. It sucks. I wish OCD therapists could make home visits for those of us in a tough place. 

     

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  4. Profile photo of Dent838
    Dent838 2 months ago

    One other thought is online therapy.  My therapist even suggested finding someone who was an OCD specialist I could Skype with, since she knew OCD wasn't her field.  I wasn't really sure that was for me, but for some people it works wonders.  It might help with some steps along the way, though it does sound like you're making some good progress.

    Good luck!

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