Trigger warning – sexually related OCD / worries incoming.

Long story short, my OCD tends to revolve around worries I did something sexually horrible/violent/etc. to people in the past.

I had a memory once I was drinking with an Ex before we had sex. So looking back the memory I became worried that my intent was to get her drunk and do things to her against her will/without her knowing. I have no memory of this being my intent and no memory of this being what happened but I was really concerned so I had a discussion with her about it.

In reality my memory of what happened that day is that she went down on me performing oral sex, and then during it she got sick because the alcohol conflcited with medicaiton I wasn't aware that she was on. (we each had rum and coke, maybe 1-2 drinks at most, but I honestly forget how much we drank but I don't *think* we got wasted or anything)

I remember helping her to the bathroom, her throwing up, and then us finishing what we were doing. I asked her if she wanted to continue fooling around and she said yes.  I vaguely remember even asking if she was sure about that and then we continued.  As far as I can remember at that point she seemed coherent enough to confirm she wanted to do stuff.  I don't recall her being sloppy drunk or weird or falling all over or anything.

When I brought this all up to her with the worries that I took advantage of her and all taht she said she remembered getting sick, and in her exact words she said "I remember that. I think I passed out. But you never forced me to do anything"  The thing is, regarding her comment about passing out?  I have no memory of happening at any point. My only thought is that maybe she got dizzy/lightheaded during it all and passed out for a second? I don't remember her passing out for an extended period or anything while this all went on. when she threw up and I asked if she wanted to continue she seemed conscious and aware enough to be cool with continuing what we were doing but now I am worried that I should be concerned abotu all of this and what to make of it.  I know her saying she passed out at any point doesn't automatically mean I did something wrong.  And I'll even add that it's probably just the idea of her being passed out at any point even for a second that is triggering my worries, but still.

1 Comment
  1. ptay1234 8 years ago

    Ok, these are issues that you remember and you need to stop feling that you did something wrong, I can tell you that it will make you feel worse if you always question yourself.  STOP thinking about this and start realizing that you feel bad about it, and you need to move on.  You were told that you did nothing wrong.  If you let this control you then you will not move on with your life.  Trust me I know.  

    0 kudos

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