I am a happily married 27 y/old mother of one, a beautiful son. I have for many years had moderate depression and also have had a history of physical and emotional self harm and emotional abuse. I do not intentionally self harm which is why I believe I was finally diagnosed last year with OCD.
I could write pages and pages as I'm having a pretty low time atm but I will just write my symptoms etc in bullet point so its easier to follow for anyone who can relate and hopefully we can support each other and learn to understand this thing that seems to increasingly be crippling me and many of you.
- Nuerotic Excloriation – Picking obsessively/ unconcsiously with no ability to stop. I also pick my son who is (17months old) but I have alot more control over this and at times can completely control it
- Damaging/ intrusive thoughts/ imaginations/ visions/ feelings – Like killing myself, crashing my car, paraniod thoughts about things happening to me, dead people and family/friends, thinking about what people in graves look like now
- Obsessive about locking doors in house and car, appearing tidy and almost 'perfect', what people think of me, parenting my son so he doesnt turn out like me in some ways (depression etc)
- Paranoid about expiry dates/ smelling things
- People pleaser
- Overly judgemental and high standards – relating to breastfeeding, dole bludgers, cheating etc etc
- Paranoid/ inquisitive sexual thoughts
- Being emotionally/ physically consumed by unjustified guilt
- Disassociated emotions/ feelings – I seem to have an inability to cry or let my emotions out. I was most of my life the opposite.
I am taking Prozac (Fluoxitine) 20mg x2 day but I don't feel they are helping me as I feel I am getting worse. Particularily the picking. This is getting to the point where I am in pain and covered on my thighs, arms, shoulders, scalp in sores and scars. I pick unconsciously and even when I do realise I am picking and address myself for saying it I realise I am already picking else where. I even pick during foreplay, driving or at work. I literally cannot help myself at this time. I am feeling so frustrated and confused.
I am also seeing my Psychologist who I have been seeing for about 4 years weekly atm (mostly) and that I believe is helping. Although I don't understand or can't seem to pin point why at least its an outlet where I won't just get told to stop it or use my self esteem etc etc…
I do have quite alot of unavoidable stressers in my life atm (terminal family member/ turbulent family relationships/ life pressures/ weight issues) but I am trying very hard where possible to give myself and my husband and son time for us and us only. I am saying no and starting to look after myself where I have the strength too.
I don't quite no how or what else to say but hopefully one of you out there can relate.
Thanks in advance.
By the way, I know I am a good person, a good wife, mother, daughter, friend and all of those things I just want to be better and be good to myself.