well its 2014 HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone but me. it's been quite some time since I have been the person who i once was.. as I write this my eyes fill w tears and i hate blinking because then the river starts and wont stop. in the last 2 minutes i've managed to insult myself about 20 times…. i'm ugly, i'm fat, i'm nothing, what are you doing with your life… almost 30 and nothing to show for…lonely..

with an enemy like ME! who needs other people to put me down. ugh… it's beene xtremely hard for me… i can cry at a seconds notice even if its happy news (like receiving a tv for my birhtday) wow… you would have thought i was crying of something sad. I dont know what to do to get out of this funk.

you know i'm known as the funny girl and everyone loves me… IF they onnly knew that around people I can be normal but when i'm alone left with my thoughts i'm just a sad person. i wish i could tell them SCREAM At them 'LOOK AT ME I'M IN MY BED AGAIN" i quit my job AGAIN … self destructive much? you know theres noone in this world that frustrates me more than my own self, go figure. Sometimes if i sit and think about things I cant figure out why I dont try harder to change this, i used to be this strong person, but now i'm just this.

i'm ashamed of what i have NOT becomoe…i'm sad that i could have done more with the opportunities that have been given to me…and. i still dont understand why i just dont get it.

i dont have aids, i dont have cancer, I dont have a debiltating disease whats my excuse?

i'm just frustrated…… and i need to change this because a 29 year old looser is not cute.

ugh