Depression is a hard concept to grasp, is it an emotion? a feeling? or a combination of the both? theres no definitive answer, and each case differs from person to person, but this blog is a story of my tale of depression so far, a one man crusade to defeat the demon named "depression".
I can't possibly put a timeframe of when my depression occured, because quite frankly i never believed that i was suffering from it, not me, not a happy chappy lad who was "content" with the laid back and "easy life" that i had always know, but that couldn't be further from the truth…
From as long as i can remember all i ever wanted to do was play football, id run home from school just to be able to change out of my school uniform and put on my favourite football shirt, i rember a barcelona shirt i once had which i cherished like it belonged in the National History museum, even though it was a knock off that my grandma brought me home from America lol, see i havent had the luxury of living a high class lifestyle, my parents weren't big earners and im proud to say i was raised on a council estate, but thats why i appreciate the simple things in life, i always have done.
what i can remeber though, is promising my parents that i was "going to make something of myself" as i wanted to repay them for always giving me a good start in life, even after the lives they had to live as young ones, and even from a young age i was never interested in being mischievious, as most of the people in my area were, i was often teased for being a "pussy" for not doing some of the things they did, but honestly i gained more satisfaction out of staying out of trouble so that i could build myself a great and prosperous future.
See, i had always been a good kid, attaining numerous behaviour awards throughout my school years, forever being dubbed a "teachers pet" but it did not bother me, i wanted to be able to drive around in a nice car, live in a house better than the one i had grown up in (no disrespect to my parents), id always dreamed big, but as i learnt the hard way- the alarm clock named reality ALWAYS wakes you up from those dreams, and like in my case- hits you hard.
The summer of 2015 was when i came to the realisation that i wasn't the "Whizz kid" i had always been labelled from a young age, my parents had always believed i would go to university and achieve big things, mostly down to the fact that i had always wanted to be a Sports Journalist- from around the age of 13, so when i achieved the grades that secured my place at university, they were over the moon- as was i, all the hours i had put in over the years, somewhat sacrificing a childhood for this career path- as ludicruos as it seems-.
However, as life often does to everyone, it throws something in to the mix that royally fucks things up- in my case it was in the form of my Ex "girlfriend" (id class her as more of an enemy to me). See i actually had full intentions of seeing out my three year course at university, but this horrible human being came along at the wrong time and to the wrong person which, i believe was the catalyst to my current downfall- which i will fucking beat, im a fighter. Initially, she came across as a half decent human, and ive always been a very accepting person so i went along with it, as ive never been loved before or appreciated by another human being who isn't family (as i feel that as family members you're "forced" to appreciate one another), but god was i wrong.
The oxford dictionary defines the word "Controlling" as the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events, and no other combination of words could better describe this vile, waste of space, pathetic excuse of a human- if hitler was to somehow cross breed with osama bin laden, throw in a teaspoon of Colonel Gadaff, mix it all up and you get a perfect representation of my Ex :).
Contrary to peoples thoughts, she never did anything physical to me- hang on yes there are ways to be classed as horrible without getting physical, she tortured me mentally, a person who has always believed that he has a strong mind, maybe she brought the real me out, maybe she just swept away the dust to reveal the real me- ill never know- but what i do know is, is that it changed me for the worse.
You're probably thinkin "what could she have possibly done that bad?" ill tell you what, she made me feel pathetic and weak, a 6 foot 3 guy feeling powerless in a world where i personally believed i had the intelligence and capabilities to go far in life, now im not saying i still won't, but its made it a whole lot tougher. She was a fucking low life herself who i basically let live at my house, rent free, for around 3 month, why? becasue im a push over who is easily manipulated mentally- id come home from work or a long day at uni to what? no love or affection, but abuse because she was "hungry", im sorry but id be out working extra shifts so i could pay for us to do things, and you would just sit in MY FUCKING ROOM and give me abuse because YOU WOULDNT GET OFF YOURE FUCKING FAT ARSE AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE.
It got so bad to the point that i even had to create a fake email, adressed to myself from a Lecturer that doesn't even exist, declaring that i had to go into uni for the full day, and wouldn't be home until 7pm- Why? just so i wouldn't have to go stay at her student accomodation- but less of the ex, thats a story for another day- i could seriously get creative on her as a topic, but ill save you the time for another day.
This continued for the last four months of our pathetic relationship, and of course it got in the way of my uni work, a once hardworking committed individual fell in to a routine of always playing catch up with work- a position ive never been in, i was usually the first to get work done on time, so this was an obvious sign of me failing. Even to this day my family don't know about any of this, they believe i dropped out of uni to pursue a career elsewhere, still dubbing me a "failure" for not sticking with the educational route.
Don't get me wrong, they aren't the pushy kind of parents, never have been, but because i had always told them that i wanted to graduate, then earn a career on the back of hard work, they told me things such as "aren't you wasting your potential", and these comments hit home hard, hearing the words come out of the mouths of people who iv'e always wanted to make proud, mostly my dad- a man who has been through so much so i thought he would be more sympathetic towards me, obviously not- didn't half damage me internally, and to make it worse they didn't know the damage they caused- probably because of the fake persona i created to help deal with these things, so they honestly thought i could handle the harsh words- couldn't be more wrong.
You see, unless youve suffered/suffering from depression you can never really understand what someone is going through, and i've diagnosed mine as "Random outbursts" as i can never pinpoint a time when it occurs, but it usually happens when someone has a dig at me, or if i feel as though ive let some down/upset them.
Even to this day im still in denial and tell myself that its okay, but in reality its far from it, im a mess, im broken, but that doesn't mean im done with, it will be a long journey to recovery, but i WILL do this.
The lowest point ive ever hit in my life was around two month ago, id just left university and was in such a shitty place in life that i can genuinely say, i did not want to be on this planet anymore, i felt worthless and pointless, as though i was dwarfed by a dark shadow, slowly eating away at all the light that was inside of my soul- so much so that i even told my mother that i felt none of my immediate family loved me- theyd constantly call me "horrible" or that i "never do anything for them", but whenever i raised the concern they just laughed it off and said"dont be stupid"- but they were left speechless when i came out with "yeah well it won't be funny when you come home and im swinging from the roof"- awful words to say, i know, but i 100% meant them (although to this day i tell them i was joking, but who jokes bout that unless theyre fucked in the head?)
I've contemplated taking my life loads, tablets, rope, driving my car into a wall and just ending it all- just to name a few. Would i ever do it? i cannot give a rational answer to that at all- but as stated previously, im a fighter, so id like to believe that id be strong enough to battle the darkness and drowned it out with some form of light- plus i promised my girl that id never leave her, and i dont break promises. I feel locked out of my own body, a passenger in my own ride of life, a guest in my own brain, but something deep in side of me makes me genuinely believe that i can get out of this alive and in one piece, but i can't do this alone.
One thing i can tell you, is that i think ive found my light source, my second chance at life, my soul mate- my whole world. I can hand on my heart tell you that i would not be alive today if it wasn't for this girl, shes done more for me in one month than everyone else in my whole 19 years of existence! she doesn't understand how much i love her, but what exactly is love?
Love is when you wake up everyday with a smile on your face because you know you're not alone, love is when she makes you feel complete, love is when you just look at her doing the most stupidest of things, such as putting on her bowling shoes and thinking "fuck me i love this woman" love is when you would literally die for her, i wouldn't flinch at the thought of taking a bullet for this beautiful individual, she not only has a kind heart but an understandning one too.
What makes things easier is the fact that she had personal problems too, so me opening up didnt seem that much of an issue, she could understand and relate to me, making me feel more at ease and more willing to confront my issues. She doesn't know this but im already saving for OUR future together, i want to marry this girl, i want a family with her and im not stopping in life until i achieve this, we're gonna travel the world together, leave footprints in the sand together all over the world we will conquer the world, two people who become one<3
Before she came along, i felt alone in a world populated by over 7 BILLION people, when you put it in perspective like that, its a pretty sad situation lol but she came into my life, showed me what it is like to be appreciated and loved, showing me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Not only that, but shes made me do something nobody has ever been able to do, and thats for me to seek help, ive confronted my fears which is the hardest part and shes helping me fix this situation, a situation which ive never though about rectifying, ive always just dealt with it.
No female in this world can compete with her, shes the best, shes done things for me that i can be eternally greatful for, and its only been a month, but times in this contextm i believe that time is just an irrelevant concept that doesn't have any correlation to an individuals emotions, so fuck anyone that thinks differently.
Words cannot put into context how much she has done for me, im balling my eyes out whilst writing this, and even though i piss her off from time to time, i love her to the world and back and she deserves nothing but the best in life and do you know what? im going to fucking give her it, i PROMISE that nothing is going to get in my way. I could not care less how cheesy or gay this sounds,shes my guardian angel whos with me every step of the way.
id prefer to grown old with you and our insecurites than go without you,its ace to have a partner who brings me peace rather than pain,you're my one and only- my girl x
is this my last blog? definitely not! will i beat this? I FUCKING WILL
L dog over and out x