What is wrong with me? Why do I care about pretty much nothing anymore? I saw the counselor. We talked about how I sleep so much and can hardly find motivation to do anything. Pretty much everything is like a chore. I'm supposed to try to get up at a regular time, but I don't want to. I realize it's true. One reason I sleep so much is to escape reality. When I'm asleep, I don't have to worry about anything or feel these feelings of emptiness. I don't have a reason to get out of bed. When I'm dreaming, I can have anything, and anything can happen. Real life seems completely pointless and undesireable. Now I wonder if I should go back to the counselor. The doctor and psychiatrist both wanted me to see one, and I know I'm pretty messed up. But I really don't care. The counselor can't really help me. She can encourage me and give me ideas, but only I can really change things, and I don't want to. I think it would stink not to oversleep and have to be in real life most of the time. Being asleep is like being in another world. It seems completely real at the time. "Real" is only our perception anyway. I feel like as long as my sleeping world is better than the real one, I'm not going to stop. And I can't just give myself something to get up for. As much as I love sleep, it would have to be something incredibly good. And since I've lost my ambition and motivation for pretty much everything, there just isn't anything like that. So should I go back? I don't really see it working for me. I love sleep too much. My dreams are so nice that it's disappointing to wake up and go back to this empty nothingness that's my life.
Now I suppose I feel depressed about all this. I wish I could sleep forever. I'd rather be in that world than this one. I feel sad that I ever have to wake up. I wish I could somehow trick myself into believing things that aren't true. Then it could be like I was dreaming all the time.
It's strange that I can seem to not care about something but also be bothered by it. I guess deep inside I miss having friends. But I also don't care to reach out to anyone. It's a horrible circle.
And the thing I wish I could do? Gardening. I really enjoy that. Why does it have to be January?