I woke up today at around 11Am. Not really a sleep in considering I didn’t get to sleep until around 3am.
Last night was a maze of emotions. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or the lack of having my anti depressants. Ether way it was a crazy night. I didn’t finish the bottle of wine I was drinking, but I came very close. I got to the point where I just didn’t care about anything last night, so I went to bed. I don’t know yet if it was a good thing that I didn’t finish the bottle.
I managed to get down to the doctors today and pick up my script for my anti depressants. I have been without them since Saturday I think it was. I think that’s why my emotions have been so all over the place. I guess we’ll soon find out. I took one as soon as I got home.
I’m sorry for my blogging last night. It was pretty crazy. One minute I was fine, the next I was angry, then sad, then just everything. I didn’t know what to do. I was lost, once again, in my head. I feel sorry for the therapist I’m seeing on Friday, I have no idea how she is going to work out how my head works.
As I’m writing this, I’m logging onto DT. I now write my blogs on a Microsoft word document. That saves me from copying them from DT onto a document anyway. Ohh wow I have 8 new comments. I’ll have to go through them and see what people have to say. Probably all bad. But ohh well nothing I can do about that. I find it amazing to see that people do actually read my blogs. Its not like they are very interesting. Ohh and I just might add, you don’t have to comment on my blogging. Sorry if it kind of seemed that’s what I was saying last night. That’s not what I meant.
Sometimes I don’t know why I say the things I do. I don’t know where it comes from half the time. I just kind of let my hands and mind wonder, and what ever is said will be. I don’t know if this type of writing has a name, but I call it strange. Am I meant to think out things before I say them? Maybe its cause I DO think out too much when I’m talking to someone, so when I write like this I can just say whatever comes to mind. I remember when I was at high school, we did this exercise where we went outside, and just had a minute to write down the first thoughts that came into our heads. Mine was things like, outside, boring, wind, grass.. that sort of thing. Others in the class came up with this amazing stuff. I think it would be awesome to have a natural flare for writing, art, or anything like that. I just hope that once the meds kick in I will still be able to do my blogging. I have found it quite liberating.
It’s a beautiful day here today, I have my window open, and there is hardly a cloud in the sky. The birds are out, so is the sun. I love days like this.
In my neighbourhood there are three schools. There is primary Christian school, a public primary school, and a high school. When its lunch time at the schools you can hear the kids playing. I’m jealous of them. I would love to be a child again. Not having to worry about what others think, not having to take ownership of my own life. Just free to play in the mud. Play games. Do the easy things.
When I was that age, I never thought I’d end up like this. Not in a million years. Infact I distinctly remember in high school thinking that I wasn’t going to make the age of 21. I always thought I was going to die before then. Is that strange? I don’t know.
Anyways that all I really have to say for now..