Ever try to catch your own shadow? I feel like I have been trying to catch it all day. Either that, or Im running from it. This is the shadow of doubt. Through our eyes, it consumes our entire environment, mentally and physically. In reality, its not really there, its an illusion put forth by our wonderful brains.

So I've been doing the devil's swing the last couple hours. Pacing in my hallway, doing compulsions in the form of audiblizing a hum to the counts of 6-6-6-5, 6-6-6-5, 6-6-6-5….in sets of 23. If you add 6-6-6-5 it equals 23. The 23rd letter in the alphabet is W which somehow feels like it stands for my world. So when I do a compulsion on the 23rd try, it feels like my entire existense relies on it being done right. One set is not enough. Each set of 23 x 6-6-6-5 = 1. I do this 23 times, As I approach the 23rd set on the 23rd time, I feel compelled to think of a good thought before I hear the water drip from the faucet. If it drips, I feel like the drop symbolizes my ability and aspirations in life going down the drain. I have to do it over again. So I ended up doing the whole cycle of shit 7 times. The whole concept is now fading like a plane in the distance. What was the system again?

Shortly before that, I was doing the same type of compulsions in sets of 3 or 4 before the light on my cell phone went off after pressing the button. How ridiculous is this? I seriously kept pressing the button and doing it over and over until it was done right. Or let me say…done til it feels right. In some sick way, this was comfort. It was reassuring hope in my life. It was all an investment worth the agony. "Ahhhhhhhhhh" when its finally done so it feels right. Within the blink of an eye, the feeling of euphoria drifts away and is replaced by logic asking me "What the hell are you doing dumbass? You don't need to do all that shit!. You should be ashamed of yourself for even doubting yourself." I'm thinking where the hell was Mr.Logic all this time while I was doing all this?. The shadow of doubt comes crawling back into the mental picture and says "Hey, you sure you did that right? Think I hear the faint drip of the faucet, you mind doing a little mental dance for me? Wait, did you just get a bad thought on the drip there, oh, better do it 22 more times to make sure everything is ok."

So yeah, after a bunch of sets, matches and games in the bout of doubt, Im finally sitting here…trying to convince myself that W, the 23rd letter of the alphabet, stands fora ton of other things. Like… "W"aste of time, life and energy."W"retched. "W"here the f*ck is my klonopin?. "W"ait, maybe I shouldn't post this. "W"hatever, f*ck it. "W"hat doesn't kill us, "W"ill only make us stronger.

 

6 Comments
  1. Catoptromancy 9 years ago

    *Hugs* So sorry about this, Raider. It's never easy when it revs itself up, but you're a really tough guy and you're going to get through it. We all have bad days and good days. Sometimes, "W"inning is just making it through until tomorrow. Here's "w"ishing you luck. Take care of yourself.

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  2. TeamJonaya 9 years ago

    I feel sorry too. I also relate cuz I have weird compulsion. Like repeating a song in my head many times so I wont think bad thoughts.

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  3. chez 9 years ago

     I know how you are feeling i'm so sorry i do counting in my head if anyone distracts me by talking or asking me something i have to start all over again goes on forever til i know it's been done correctly hope you find some peace at some point  stay strong sorry not much advice to give but just know you are not alone.

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  4. RedefiningLife 9 years ago

     The betting game is always fun, isn't it? And Mr. Logic always likes to come in just as you grab a little peace, just to steal even that little bit from you. I, as well as I'm sure tons of others, can relate. This is my first posting on OCDTribe, but I find that with me when I'm busy, I can ease the rituals, when I'm not, they come back in full force. I hope this helps a little. \"\" Stay strong!

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  5. emotions 9 years ago

    The doubting game is the #1 killer which thrives in our every action and thought when it comes to especially ourselves. I can tell you though that you are an intelligent, special, wonderful, caring, strong, handsome individual with only greater things ahead for you. ((hugs))

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  6. raider916 8 years ago

     Thank you all for your support and comments.

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