I’m feeling so anxious. I have had a terrible couple of weeks. I almost am looking forward to going to the doctor on Tuesday which is strange for me to say. I am almost back to square one in terms of any improvements I was making. I just feel so horrible.
The other night I was at my boyfriend’s friend’s house (he is best friends with her boyfriend). Her boyfriend said to me that she thought that I didn’t like her when there was a couple of us in the room, she wasn’t there at the time. I started to feel really worried and I went to the bathroom to cry, my boyfriend followed me. I got anxious and panicky and felt so bad because I know my shyness and awkwardness probably does lead people to believe I don’t like them and then I had it confirmed. I went back down and he could tell he had upset me but I decided to tell him what was wrong with me so that it wouldn’t seem totally insane, even though it was, it was only him there and another guy I like so I was okay. He told me she has anxiety too which surprised me, I guess I’ve never known anyone else before who had it in person and also she seems so confident.
I also realised my shyness is a million times worse around girls, does anyone know why this could be?? I told him that I’m really shy around girls. It’s weird I met guys that night and they were new to me and yet I was okay around them but when it came to the two girls that were there I felt so awkward and like I couldn’t talk properly. I always find it harder to be friends with girls. I really hate it.
I’m sorry I’m going on and on but I need to get a lot off my chest. My boyfriend’s internet is really bad and I’m only barely able to get onto it. I really want to stay here and curl up in a ball but I can’t. We are invited to a bbq with the same people today and I have to go or it will seem like I’m angry at him for saying that to me. He was very apologetic to my boyfriend about upsetting me. I told my boyfriend to tell him I was only annoyed at myself not him. It wasn’t his fault that I am so sensitive and socially awkward around girls. If I were her I’d probably be paranoid too but I usually blame myself if there’s something wrong.
I’m so freaking out about going to this bbq, I told my boyfriend a million times that I did not want to go and even got annoyed at him saying he was making me go which is not fair. I feel like I can’t handle it and after what happened the other night I’m terrified I’ll start crying again or worse have a panic attack for all to see.
I hope everyone is going well, sorry haven’t had much time to browse and comment blogs due to the awful internet. It’s be great if you guys could advise me on my “fear” of girls. J xoxo