I guess the problem with him is that I don’t know where we stand. I’ve loved this man since we first met, and fell in love with him not long after I really got to know him. My problem is that I constantly overthink everything, and I’m harping on the phrase he last used to describe our relationship. He told me that he loves me “most of the time” but in my head either you love someone or you don’t. There is no in between. I know the world isn’t set up in terms of right and wrong, black and white: there are definite gray areas. But I feel like if you only love someone some of the time and not all of the time, then you don’t really love them at all. Not the way you should when you get married, or vow to be together through better or worse. I don’t like the people I love all of the time, but I feel as though I love them constantly. So, perhaps I’m merely overthinking this, projecting my relationship issue onto him because I haven’t ever really had a relationship with a decent person. My son’s father is quite possibly the worst person I have ever met: he only cares he has children when the holidays come around then he conveniently forgets he is a father until the next year. My first real boyfriend used me for sex for months before he actually told me he loved me. And the next guy I fell in love with was, and I quote, “emotionally unavailable” for me, but the next girl he dated he couldn’t stop gushing about. So, maybe the problem is me, not this current guy. Maybe I’m so hung up looking for things to go wrong, just knowing that it eventually will, that I’m overthinking things yet again and waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. What I feel in my heart is that I would do anything I could to make him happy, and I know that he would drop everything and help me if I was in serious trouble. (I know this because recently he had to.) I pray that tomorrow brings a little more clarity. With my recent devotion to stop drinking, things are a lot more difficult to process since I am taking more time to really think about things versus my old way of acting on a whim.

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