This evening was my what is now a monthly session, I guess my decision to spread it out ,, things have become pretty slow in the past month, not much activity happening ,,, my motivation to do things is pretty minimal,  that was one of the issues covered,,, just really not totally into it ,,,I will still do things that need to get done, but beyond  that is problematic,, I attend AA meetings mostly on a daily basis,,, for me it is dealing with dormant alcoholic desires and also to meet and converse with others,, mostly I sit by myself and brood or so it would seem. I begin a conversation but quickly goes flat if it isn’t program related,, I need socialization at this point in my life, but it takes 2 players or more and I can only account for one (me).. I sort of pisses me off I have to act like a circus performer to have interactions,,, I do not understand why is it I have to initiate all the time, and even  then it becomes a real struggle..

my therapist interacts with me, but he has to doesn’t he after all…and I lay it down pretty well I think,, I am pretty well spoken and pretty insightful and I can hold down my end of a conversation or argument well,, So.. we spoke of the culture of conditioning and behavior that I grew up around, markedly different than what passes today for the same ,,We spoke of the  holiday season and survival of the same,,,I have no family and so that does create its own obstacles or challenges,, We spoke about my planned trip to Victoria or Vancouver (yet to decide on which)..in March or April,, We spend a fair amount of time on expectations and civil considerations that I hold which are seemingly never or hardly ever returned back and friendships that exist on a one way street ,,, the session ended with a rant by me about Bob Dylan singing obnoxious Christmas Carols on Amazon Music,, (Anyone up for a rendition of “AVE_MARIA”  covered by Dylan?)

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