my throat burns and i can barely make out what i'm typing right now. (no i'm not stoned or anything) I feel like taking a couple of xanax though.

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i'm so,so weary mentally and physically. everything hurts, everything is painfully cold. i'm in four different layers (in FLORDIA!) and i'm still cold.

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I really don't know what the point of this post is for, i guess to think out loud because I can't keep EVERYTHING inside this broken head of mine.

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today is a 'friends' birthday, i believe shes 26 or 27 , she rarely-like RARELY talks to me anyone. i met her my third time treatment (which i failed in)

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it was hard to get along with her, she snap at everything I did, ED behaviour wise, to the point while they were outside (i was just coming out) I heard her talking how 'triggeting' and stressful I was…

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i ran back inside crying, cuddled in my doctor who blanket, another girll Christina came to comfort me.

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then the therapist with us, asked if i would go outside so we could taking about this- it was a fucking massacre (there were 8girls at the time including me) i got torn into and beaten with words, even by some of the ones i thought liked me. only 3 actually were kind and or stood up for me.

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the therapist let this whole thing happen! I was a crying wreck wrapped in my blanket and she never once told anyone to calm down or back off.

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it was humiliating and that scar has never healed. even after that and the 'group' hug. jenna (thats her name) kept snapping at me sometimes, when i tried to defend miraim because she relapsed in cutting, her respoonse was "you don't have to live with her, and keep all the knives away form her"

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this is when rachel was leaving, the three of them where in php apartments at this point. I want to snap back at her, telling her she was insentive but instead ijust comforted miriam.

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she had her kind moments but it was a difficult realtionship. by the end when i was leaving because canopy cove could 'handle' how bad (in my diease) i was, even though they helped me twice in the past. so i felt betrayed.

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but of the girls who were left, they wrote kind things.

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but i think from that expreience to, i can't trust people even by a 10ft pole. they are all doing so well now and i'm just falling, completly fading. and now one cares.

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well that's enough of that…hope you all are having a good day.

1 Comment
  1. ennui79 5 years ago

    I'm so very sorry for such an aweful experience…I hope you can get some rest today:)

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