Not sleeping enough…  feel like hell, and should take a nap, but I probably won’t.  I hate sleeping during the day.  Probably because my mom used to sleep a lot when she was depressed, when I was a kid.  It seemed obvious she preferred being unconscious to dealing with her life.  That always made me feel like a real prize.  Of course I understand better, now, what she was going through.  But, now, I get the same thing with Charlie, who naps as often as he can.  Also, because he’s depressed…

I don’t know what’s happening with Charlie and me, anymore.  Certainly nothing new…  my hopes have waned considerably. 

Maybe, that’s temporary.

Hell…  I don’t know anything, anymore. 

I just know I ache, and feel twitchy from lack of sleep, and the rest of the day is going to be rough.  (Mostly b/c of what I’m trying to do, but for other reasons, too…)  The withdrawal, and the psychlological cravings, really kick in at night.  That’ll be fun.  I hope my friend will be available to chat, to help talk me through it.  Or, at least, distract me, a little.

This is gonna be a really hard promise to keep.  But, I’ve gotta try, really hard.  It’s a fairly young friendship, but this person already means a great deal to me.  He’s been there for me, and helped me through some really dark, difficult shit.  He’s also affected my perspective, in general.  Before we started talking, not all that long ago, I was still occasionally toying with the idea of killing myself.  I just felt that bad.  Until someone managed to make me feel a little better…

I’ll feel like such an ass if I fail, at this point.  This friend of mine really cares, and believes in me.  It all means so much…

So weary…  maybe, I will take a nap.

 

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