So, yesterday I didn't hang out with Cougar, or even talk to him. Also, I got into a fight with my friend Caitlan yesterday. She read my blog and got all up in my shit and told me I was turning into a whore.. But I know I'm not. I know that I need to slow down, but I know I am not a whore. I know what one is, and I am far from that. Towards the end of the fight, Caitlan said something that really pissed me off.. But I stopped, thought about what I was saying and just told her I was done, and that I had nothing more to say even though I had so much to say. But, the reason why I didn't say what was on my mind was because it would of made the fight turn into something bigger, and I didn't really want that.
Lately, everything has just.. sucked. Everyone and everything is pissing me off, and I hate it. Nothing feels right. I feel like I am spiraling down the same hole that led to my suicide attempt. I don't like this.
Today is no different from the other days. Although, I did text Cougar, but he hasn't replied. Yet? Hopefully. My depression is hitting me hard. It's to the point where I am sick to my stomach with a migraine and blurred/shakey vision. Also, today I had group. It started out good. I got there, had a few laughs with Abby before group began, then we all went into the room and started check-ins. I was the last to go. As I am trying to vent out about what has been going on with me, people keep interrupting me with jokes and laughter. At first I didn't care. It was like a 'whatever' thing. But it didn't stop. I was getting really annoyed. Even the group leader was interrupting me. Well, she technically isn't the group leader.. She just had to run it because our usual leader, Jen, was sick. I never really liked the girl who subbed for Jen, but today really put her on my dislike list. The reason why is because as I was talking, or atleast trying to, and I said 'fvcking' even though I already used my one F-Bomb. Then, she is all on my shit, in a joking but serious way, and all I want her to do is shut up. But me saying 'Anyways..' didn't make her let it go. She dragged it on. So, I just relaxed in my chair, and stopped talking. For the rest of the group I was like that meanwhile anger is slowly building up along with irritation. Today we only had three people, so we couldn't do the usual group (we need four people for that), so we ended up playing a game that I now hate with a passion. Pictionary. I only went once, and that was only because I wanted people to get off my case. But, I was in a bad mood, so the people should've known better. We had to choose between three categories.. Animal, Food, or Career. I chose career. I drew a stripper. The group leaders didn't really like that.. But I don't really care. It put a slight smile on my face.
It is currently 5:52pm and I have nothing to do for the rest of the day. I think I will just sit in my room in a blanket of darkness filled with depression and possibly sleep. What do I have better to do? Nothing sounds appealing. I would cut but I don't like the fact that I have two options afterwards.. 1. Hide My Wrists. or. 2. Be Judged.
I really hate this.. Oh, and another thing that comes to mind to vent about.. Today I posted a status on Facebook saying "God damn.. Could you be any more of a shit talking pussy!? Shut the fvck up you fake bitch.." I got some comments.. One from my Aunt Liz saying I am negative and have a foul mouth, and I also got one from this chick that apparently I am related to, some how, and she said I should stop disrespecting god, that he gave his life for me, and I should at least show him some respect. I apologized to Aunt Liz, but as for the girl I am some how related to.. I just said I don't believe in 'god'. And what really pissed me off, is that she said "Oh lord.. Then I feel soo sorry for you :(" I just replied with a simple 'Whatever'.. When really, what I wanted to say was;
Don't feel sorry for me. You should feel sorry for yourself. You're better off believing in Santa Claus cause at least you'll get .something. out of that. God and Jesus are just names, not magical miracle wish granters who can walk on fvcking water. Somewhere, way down the line of family members, there is a monkey. With some people you can even see the resemblance. The bible is a book of rumors and over exaggerations. And, if you think about it, Christianity is just like a club. We all were little at some point and when we were little, we .all. made up some sort of group or club that only certain people could get into. If you were in, you got rewarded with.. Let's say milk and cookies, and if you weren't in, then you got punished, or made fun of. Made into an outcast. Sound familiar? Very. There is no Heaven or Hell. No God or Jesus. Nobody, and I mean .nobody. knows where we go or what happens when we die. And odds are, we never will know. Nobody knows anything for a fact about Life or Life After Death. We are all here to just enjoy the moment, but if some of you feel the need to make life, I guess, a little more 'interesting' or whatever, feel free. I don't give a fvck, just as long as you don't judge me, or how I live my life, and I'll do the same to you. But, if you bring up my shit, then I'll own your ass with a million examples that prove you wrong and make feel even more stupid than you sound. We are all spun around and thrown down to Earth on our asses only to do nothing. But, we make the best of it by living life like our next breathe is our last.
Well, I'm done here..