i sit here, insane and deranged. i never deserved anything good, not my talents, not my ex gf, not my current gf. i never deserved this family or my friends, im grateful for everything that i have but i dont deserve any of it and if i do it doesnt matter. it all gets ruined and taken away. all of it. im tired of fighting. its pointless. you ever fight against an army of ten thousand spartans, not regular soldiers, spartans, from hell, by yourself, with no combat training, yea, theyre torturing me. i dont have any chance. im too confused to even think today but my ocd has custody of my gf mentally. aside from that shit isnt ever gonna get better simply because everything i care about gets ruined, i am simply not allowed to care. i dont even need or want encouragement, i wish everyone wouldforget me, hate me, i wanna push everyone away right now so that way i can just die, and hang myself or something. but posting that someone will tell lisa and ill go back to face to face fo rno reason where they cant even help. thing is im not ok, nor will i ever be again. thing is i not only dont want to try anymore but i refuse to. i quit. for real this time. im gonna play fucking pointless video games and immerse myself in them even when i dont even wanna play them till im sick, im not going to live anymore, im not even gonna go outside. i fucking give up. and since so many people apparently need my worthless ass here, i dont have th eoption of killing myself. if i did id be hanging from a noose right this moment. but i can thave that either, nothing ii want am i allowed to have, because my opinions dont matter, my life doesnt matter, my loves dont matter, it doesnt matter that i love my gf, shes taken by my mind. it doesnt matter i liek music, thats gone, it doesnt matter i lvoe my gfamily and friends, they get fucked with by my ocd all the time too. nothing is safe and nothing truly matters. as long as others are ok then its ok but now im beginning to not even care about that. i just want to escape, to die so fucking badly i can taste the goodness of hell just calling my name, sweet, torturous relief from ocd, god damn id love to be satans slave if it meant no ocd, id sell my soul to satan at this point right now thats how desperate i am. i just wanna get this out of my head. this is how im feeling, tell who you want, they cant help. throw me in the hospital, it wont get better. all youre doing is wasting money and throwing me around when you could be saving someone who matters and actually has a chance to get better and be saved. please, just give the fuck up on me, im begging everyone

  i could come up with as many words as i want to describe how i feel, whats wwrong, the truth is nothing is ever going to change no matter what i say do or believe, why bother

tberes only so long someone can pretend that theyre gonna make it before they accept the cold truth thats been eating away at them the whole time, that its pointless and there is no salvation or mercy or chance of getting better