I feel like I'm "using" this site…I only come on here ever so often as a release for all of my pent up…everything. I feel frustrated right now. I feel irritated with the way my clothes are fitting, I feel agitated…and I tend to itch when I'm agitated..so I tend to figit and move around a lot when I'm agitated. I went to Japan in August for just two weeks with my unit..I say "just" because I really wanted to stay a lot longer..climb Mt. Fuji, talk and open up with new found friends from my unit, and just continue having the good time that I had been. But apparently no more money was alloted for those who wanted to stay so we went back home with everyone else. I was awed while there and really took in literally everything I had seen, touched, and smelled. I stood about two eight-hour watches and got the basics on how things were ran on the Yokosuka, Japan Naval Base. I had my own room fully furnished, it was awesome and amazing and..I WANNA GO BACK! Ugh..my head itches. This isn't why I am irritated right now tho…kind of but more of me just wanting to still be busy..being back home I really don't want a repeat of last semester, I mean I learned a lot with all of the introversion but I am ready to move on and stay busy and be around people..since I have re-assured myself that I can. I don't think I have ever put it on here but I have been on this "baby powder" kick..it started like a couple years ago. My senior year in high school..what triggered it was a random myspace video with this random snow plow, plow a very very large amount of snow. THAT alone has triggered this very strange kind of "Pica" but kind of not kick that I have with baby powder. All I have to do nowadays is just to squeeze the bottle and smell the powder and gives me this strange since of comfort!!!..very weird..but when I looked up what I was doing on google I found pica and have seen people on tv, and read about them and what they eat..wow. I didn't think my ocd was this "wide" if that's even the right word. I still have my bathroom rituals, I still have my intrusive thought ritual, touching ritual, car ritual…etc. But some things have changed since being in and coming from Japan…Some things have sort of fell off..it's weird though because I have attributed that to meaning that somehow I have changed in that short time..maybe I have but I don't know I think it was more of me getting out of the habit of what was last semester….droning day in day out then in June going to my grandmother's..that helped me get out of my routine..even tho I kind of reclused myself there a bit..then flying to Japan..that helped a lot more….so I yeah I feel different. But I don't want things to go inward again..I don't want to FEEL alone again. I live at home but still feel lonely. I need friends..constant friends. I need to be or at least feel apart of something. I have the navy reserves and the people I have met are really wonderful..I have one that I talk to all the time now which is good. I hope to go on an AT or ADSW pretty soon tho and maybe school in Georgia if they don't mobilize my unit in March. I just want to do something now. Soon. Anything almost at this point..because I feel it coming on again. That depressive state, I feel it arriving again..It's sad that I have felt it so much in life that I can tell when it's coming. There's a lot more that I want to say here right now. OCD sucks and I really want to be able to actually talk about it. To be able to release myself in more than just one way. I wish they had like ocd meetings in my area..but it's safe to say I live in the middle of nowhere. I am full of words right now..full of information and stories which is why these blogs never have correct sentence structure. I want so much. I feel like I want so much..from life….to be continued later today.