At 7:30 this evening after spending the afternoon holding the sofa down just in case someone turned the gravity off, I figured it was time to crawl out of my cocoon and attempt another run to the grocery store. I surmised most people with any sense at all would be at home so there would be no crowds.

I was sorely tempted to go out in my comfy T-shirt, braless and in a pair of lounge pants, but decided black velour may not be appropriate. However if I wore the velour and had a break down at least I would be dressed for the hospital ward. Sanity won out and I dressed in my basic black on black, centered my mind and tiptoed around the ever-growing lakes of melted snow and slush to my car.

Traffic was light and the parking lot at the store was all but empty, as was the store. I managed to get the few items I will need for Christmas dinner, unscathed.

I like the nights, when darkness takes away the rough edges of the day. The world seems to turn a little slower, there is a peace to be found away from the sunlight or greyness that is the West Coast. Moreover, after years of living here I have found the rain to be calming.

This Christmas I promised myself I would do the whole turkey dinner thing even if it is just for me. I am worth all the trouble. I do have an invite to a friend’s place, but she likes to keep people she likes away from her family, I understand this all too well.

As I sit here this evening, the loneliness has abated, although tears prick my eyes occasionally. I try not to dwell on the past and am not permitting myself to worry about my need to disassociate. It is a protection mechanism that will serve me until a therapist can be found to serve as a vault and a place to lay what remains of my burden down.

Did not resort to taking Seroquel today but will tonight to ensure sleep. I have only smoked three cigarettes when in the past I would have smoked a package. Mind you, the night is still young and I may yet power smoke myself into a coughing fit. But I doubt it.

I am dreading Christmas Eve, was 4 years ago that mother passed on that night. Only mother would upstage Jesus’ birthday celebration. Two years ago on Christmas Day father was taken to hospital when his dementia took a drastic turn, it has been a year now since his passing. I remind myself that they both had led full lives, perhaps not the lives they wanted but they did not die physically young.

Tonight I would love the chance to sit with Dr. Jung and discuss ID, ego and super-ego as well as his thoughts on the collective unconscious. Odds are he would commit me.

I feel alert, calm, introspective and quite at peace with myself. I shall continue on and avoid the holiday movies and specials that appear to be inhabiting all television channels.

It is the winter solstice, the night is as long as it will get, and the days will now grow longer.


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