I feel as though I've had a personal epiphany.

I was feeling so stressed and anxious about packing just hours ago and so I started writing in a new journal that I just dedicated to my OCD thoughts and how to process them and change them into better ones. I started out writing all of my fears, my panic, my anxiety, and why I couldn't do the things I wanted to do. I wrote out everything that was bothering me and it took me pages and hours. I hadn't even realized how much I needed to write.

I haven't painted, written songs, poems, or novels, played guitar, sang, danced, taken photos, made jewelry, made dolls, made clothing, or any of the other artistic things I love to do in almost a year now. This year has been empty of art for me. But I realized tonight how sick I am of feeling this emptiness. And that resentment of the current situation of my life has turned into a feeling of empowerment.. Because I realized that I can have whatever life I choose and I can be exactly the person I want to be. I can shed this skin and begin again and nothing can stop me. I'm tired of my OCD holding me back. It is a small part of my brain that has taken over so much of my life–almost every aspect, in fact. But I am determined to change things. I see such a bright and lively future for myself that is full of art and dreams and personal success. I am opening my heart and awakening my mind and coming alive again into the person I know that I am inside my soul. I feel like I am a light that has just been turned on after years of darkness. I know that I am ready for a new beginning now. When I go to France, I will not have to hide behind myself and bury myself underneath my insecurities and fears. I do not want to hold myself back any longer. I feel like some of the weight in my heart has been lifted and the chains on my mind are being cut away. I am fighting that small voice in my head that is telling me I can't break free and I can't be the way that I want and dream of being. The fight is still there, but the voice feels like it's getting smaller and smaller.

I realize that this is a process and change doesn't happen over night. But the elation I feel about moving on is so immense. I feel a change within my heart and my soul and it is so deeply rooted that I feel I couldn't go back to the way I was even if I wanted to. I know better now. I know that I don't want to be bored, I don't want to be trapped in my house or isolated from the outside world. I want to make a difference and I want to create art that makes people feel beautiful things inside, the way that it makes me feel. I am setting myself free. I don't want to worry about the little things, the insignificant things that tie me down. I want to focus my attention on the gift of life and the beauty that is so prevalent in this world. The world is full of light. You just have to open your eyes and start seeing it. You have to believe that you can. And I believe that I can. I am not giving up on myself this time. I will not turn back. There may be stumbles and bumps along this road, but I will not sink this far down again. I have felt what it's like to be depressed and hopeless and to feel like there is nothing I can do to pull myself out. But I realize that there is. I can pull myself out and climb away from the shell of a person that I've been.

I'm starting a new life and I will act like the person I am inside and emanate life and positivity. My spirits are lifted and I wish that I could give happiness to everyone else who struggles and is hurting. There is hope!

I know that everything will be okay now. Things will get dirty, things may break, people may say mean things, but everything will be okay. Everything is okay.

1 Comment
  1. raider916 10 years ago

     Very inspiring. Everything you said is so true about OCD and breaking from from it. There is so much in life that we miss out on due to a small part of our brain. You, and just about everyone else with OCD, has the ability to do wonderful things in this world that not only make others happy, but ourselves happy as well. Its like a beautiful butterfly being in stuck in a cacoon. You can break free and bring beauty to this world as you flutter elegantly through life. I wish you the best! Thank you for the inspiration!

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