Well, I did it. Talked to J. That was kinda difficult, not just broaching the subject and actually saying something, but finding time to do it.
He left early in the morning to go fishing. While he was gone I tidied the house, made mac salad, showered, did some laundry, decorated for Sam's party. Managed to have pretty much everything done by 1. She had 3 friends show up & friends of ours kinda came too. That's another grrr…..
So our friends M&T were invited. Between them they have 4 kids living at home, there's also the 2 gf's. One gf drops the oldest off along with her gf & 2 other friends of theirs. I hadn't counted on food for 3 extra bodies. And then one of the "friends" apparently can't go a few hours without smoking pot and repeatedly, during the whole time they're there, goes off into the woods to do it. WTF? Really?
T was 2 hours late getting to the house with her other kids. Didn't have M with her because he'd hurt himself. She & her gf, K, grabs food (that I'd already put away) and then the pot smoking "friend" helps himself to more food. Really?!
I digress. While J was cooking on the grill, I mentioned to him that I wanted to talk to him at some point but that there were too many people around. He was immediately concerned and wanted to know what about. I said my mental state. He said he was worried about it, meaning he wanted to know what was going on. I told him I was worried about it too, which pretty much summed it up.
A couple hours later we managed to talk a bit. He got more clarity, so to speak. I admitted the thoughts of self harm had popped up, but I hadn't done anyhing. He realizes no that trying to "fix" things aka make them perfect so I don't have a meltdown is only a bandaid fix. He feels guilty, as I suspected he would, for spending so much time with Jason and I told him not to. I am glad he has a friend….and I really am. I'm kinda jealous, but it's my issue….not his.
So we take it one day at a time.
Today, is Sam's actual birthday.
I Wehave some presents to wrap and cake to bake. J needs to go to Verizon to see about his cell phone that he's having problems with. Sam also wants McDonald's for her birthday. So I think we're going "out" for dinner.
For now….I think I'm okay. Little bit at a time.