It’s definitely been extremely difficult for me lately. I’ve dealt with depression since I was 14 and at 18 was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder and had a very public manic episode that lasted about a year. I’ve been in and out of psych wards and I’ve lost many people who I considered my best friends due to them not accepting my illness or feeling embarrassed by me. There have been multiple times in my life where I’ve been suicidal and have tried to take my life. There are also many of my family members who do not accept that what I go through is real and think this is all an act for attention. I’m not telling you this to get pity. I’m telling you this because I know there are people out there who have experienced similar things as me and won’t feel as alone as I did by sharing my story. I don’t know if this site existed when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but at the time I felt extremely isolated, alone, suicidal, and unlovable.
That’s what I’m struggling with now. My current best friend left me because I didn’t do something she wanted me to do. She wanted me to choose her over my sister and I just couldn’t do it and I told her that but she just dropped me instead of trying to talk to me. She was the first real friend I’ve had in my adult life and I’m now friendless at age 23… But you know what? I may be severely depressed right now but I’d rather feel this way and get through it than settle for someone who hurts me like this. She knows she’s hurting me by treating me this way and that I have abandonment issues and I feel she’s doing this as if to punish me for not choosing her. Well, I’m not going to go back to her knowing that this is how she treats someone she considers her best friend. I’ve just been stepped all over throughout my life and I feel this is a time I truly need to stand up for myself no matter how sad it makes me. I need to choose me because I’m worth it.
I’m really going through it right now and I feel so heartbroken. I know I’m in an extremely horrible mindset right now and I reached out to get help before things got worse. I left my job to focus on my mental health. I actually just did that today… and I feel so much better now that I know I can focus on me. It’s just dealing with the depression and anxiety that’s been hard. I’m trying to convince myself that I’m lovable and that I’m worth putting up a fight for. I want so badly to give up and stop being strong but I have family that loves me and if I can’t fight for my life for myself I need to for them. Because right now I’m not strong enough to do it for myself. Right now, they’re what’s keeping me going.
Please if you’re going through something similar know that we can get through this together. I will work my hardest to get through this for my loved ones. I’m trying to believe in myself that I can do this and I wanted to say I believe in YOU. I believe you can get through this. And if you can get through this I can too… That’s my belief.
Wishing you all the best,
Don’t worry. I’m getting psychiatric help as well. I’m going to start attending an outpatient program virtually and work towards getting better one day at a time.