i’m 15. when i was born my mom almost died and she was alone with my grandma in the hospital. the doctors say i was a miracle baby because i was 2 lbs and a month early and my mom nearly died giving birth. so pretty much i’m been burden ever since i was born. when i was i think about 4 my dad left but idk because that’s pretty much the last age i remember seeing him around i haven’t seen him since. my mom would drink a lot because we were alone and didn’t really have money. so being with a single mom who would drink for many years if my life was really rough on me and my family. but she then married dan (my step dad) when i was about in 5th grade. and i’m still mad. he took my best friend. it was me and my mom AGAINST THE WORLD. and when she met him it wasn’t just him it was my step brother as well who’s a year older than me. so after this i soon became not important to the family and no one really noticed me. so that leads to 6th grade. 6th grade was really bad i would cut my legs all over but i didn’t find the relief i was looking for in my legs so i cut my stomach and then i started to starve myself which caused me to become unhealthy and very skinny i was very cautious when i wore bathing suits bc i didn’t want people to know. then um. idk if i should say this because i’ve never told anyone this because i’m good at hiding it. which i hate myself for because i’m not okay about it. but it’s too late now. but the summer going into 6th grade my cousin sexually abused/harassed me idrk what to call it but it was on vacation everyday for the whole week to lake George. it was probably the worst week of my life. i had to share a room with him alone for a week. the bathroom door was broken it wouldn’t so i would be afraid to go to the bathroom so i held everything in all day and was forced to pee in the lake at night when my family went night swimming. the only way i was able to get away was when i would go down to the lake when no one paid attention to me and i would sit there on the balcony of the boat doc and sit there and cry because the week felt like it would never end. i was in pain for days and i had to sit in the car alone with him and my grandpa for 6 hours on the way there and home. it was so bad. he doesn’t act like it ever happened. i think about it all the time and the rest of my summer was ruined. which leads me to 7th grade when i was miserable at all times. i wore sweatshirts everyday to cover my scars i was afraid people would find out so i stopped cutting and then soon found something different. i would hold my hands in fists all day and night everyday and just dig my finger nails into my hands until they would bleed and have marks everywhere. i was in so much mental pain it was the only distraction. my grades were getting extremely bad. then the summer going into 8th grade wasn’t very good either. i started to fadeaway  from my family i started cutting again. i hated myself so much i couldn’t wear bathing suits without crying. i would wear shorts and could see my stretch marks which makes me feel like i’m not pretty enough. i don’t even remember 8th grade because all i did was sleep and cry and that was it. and then here i am. this year. a bad one. i’m not cutting or digging my nails into my skin anymore but i’m in this trapped mental pain that i just can’t seem to escape. i feel like i’m in a box and i can’t get a breathe of fresh air i’m just trapped. and i’m scared for what else is to come my way because i don’t think i can handle anymore of anything. i’m honestly scared.