p.s: you might have to read this a few times before you understand it

i'm standing around, looking at my cup of tea, looking at something else in the room, looking a something else in the room and back at my cup of tea again. i do it again till iv been doing it for about 10 minuites before i finally do something like lift the cup, decide i don't want it, put it down again, look at something else in the room, get depressed and then start daydreaming before it turns into self criticism. why do i do that? its what i fill most of the day with.

becasue i don't want to exist. i want every day to just die now- NOW! i don't want to have to scold myself for not living or for other people to scold me for not living, i just want to not have to! ona game there is a 'quit' button, there is also a 'save and exit' button,there isn't in life it's not fair. you can't say"i don't like this game lets play another".this is the only game. itmight not feel like much of a "game" right now.iused to think of sleep as like the "save and exit" button but then you can't sleep, maybe it's like when you have to reach checkpoints before you can 'saveand exit'.

maybe ican't do anything because feel likeihave to. i'm not doing anything because i have to. either other people complain and make me feel like i have to or i do. -because sometimes you say to yourself subconciously "i'm not allowed to be happy unless i'v done that/ acheived that.. yes thats when i'l be happy..in the future and not now is when i'l be happy.." SHUT UP! there is no future. you don't hold the future in your hands, you hold the'now' in your hands. the now ISthe future.(the now turns intoa secondinto thefuture after only one second. there is no gap inbetween the now and the future.)the now is all you have. youcan paint anythign you want with the now.The paint brushes and coloursright now are all you have sostart painting!however, thepaintbrushes and colours (whether they be good or bad) thatyou imagine you will have in the future don't exist.yes you can paint amazing pictures with THOSE ones but they arn't real.-but they can be if you paint them 'now'!!you are worthy of being happy right now.

but happiness does not necessarily mean sitting around, doing nothing and endulging, or whatever else you think. it is bigger than you can possibly feel. people get sad whenthey are running from unhappiness and chasinghappiness.there is no run and thereis no chase. because it'sinside you.it comes from your energy. the mysterious energy that makes us exist. you can't chaseor run from yourself.[think's of dog chasing tail, but that's not relevant]

there, i can't beilive i answered my own question.

(how i felt just before..)

it's like when your nervous and you do everything to avoid doing something, take 5 minuites to put your shoes on, take 5 minuites to look for them when you know where they are. i havea habitin my brain that makes me forget temporarily to make me late. i miss everything, even hospital checkups iv been needing for years. I fear everything that will save me. (i read that some peoples problem is only fear of success. it sounds crazy but if you think about it it's true) i think its because im scared of letting people down, because people are what saves me. letting them down because i have this. its a vicious circle. don't avoid the cure. you can't hurt the cure.

like when your a kid and you find a half dead bug and you prod it to try get it to move, and it budges a bit and the wind blows it around. it just wants to be eaten.

thats how i feel. i'm tryna prod myself. other people have tried to prod me. the movement of life just blows me around because i'm not in it. if i wasn't top of the food chain i would just stand around and wait to be eaten. but that's the thing with being a human, some of us get lazy because we have no visible threat. then you sit around and wait and when you don't get what your waiting for you get angry. and repressed anger is depression. a humans form of sitting around waiting to be eatenis mentally. humans battle eachother mentally, even when its physical fighting.this paragraph is in a confusing order andand i don't know if i'm gettingoutwhat i meanbut basically i'm trying to say something around the lines of ..its kinda how depression makes you prone to abuse.. i think