I feel SO completely unsure of most things, most of the time. Everything is so connected in so many ways and my own thoughts get in the way of knowing the \'correct\' or factual angle. Anything can be disputed in my head, so i avoid that possibility as much as possible. (By not thinking??! wtf am i talking about?!) I understand that this is a totally screwed up point of view. But I\'ve noticed that I have a hard time having an opinion on anything and shy away from trying to understand new complex things. Or maybe that\'s just how i\'m feeling right now. ugh. it\'s so tiring.
I often wonder if I\'m actually quite slow mentally. I know I can be smart a lot of the time but maybe that\'s more about control than smarts. I worry that I\'ll be unable to learn in the field I want to be in.I am a generally fidgety and sometimes flighty chick. Or cougar. Depends how old I feel at the time. I wonder about everything, including/especially my own views on most things.
My thoughts race with flashes of memories/regrets that suck the wind out of me, tighten the constant ache in my head, pound my heart, instantly make my entire being wail and my throat tighten while I gasp for air… am I just forever trying not to remember? Spending all my energy pushing the shit away?
I \'get\' where all this comes from. And that\'s the completely frustrating part. I understand that I have an extreme amount of anger and sadness inside me from all those years of being told I\'m a \'waste of skin\'. Actually, if I had been TOLD that to my face, I maybe would have expressed some of those feelings. Fought back. Instead, I found the first letter in my mom\'s sock drawer at 13 yrs old. Now, I look at kids and wonder how the hell anyone could treat kids badly? WHY??? For power?! Pathetic and enraging. But that\'s how manipulators roll. Take others down to pump themselves up.
My mom\'s boyfriend wrote many many letters to her about me and the supposed horrible issues I was causing, about how disgusting a person I am, how I would probably kill my own mom to get what I wanted, how everyone in the world could see all this but her and I. And so much bull about her too, and my extended family. This went on for most of my teen years. Once we left, he harrassed us via phone & letters. Took his best material over the years and mailed it to everyone we knew. Then posted it all over my small town. Started using aliases.. but never once did anyone know I had found those letters. To this day I wonder if my mom agrees that I\'m a total piece of crap. Feels like I\'m proving it to her daily lately. And him too. Even now, if i get a hangup phonecall, my heart flops and my throat tightens, instantly wondering if he\'s making plans to do something else. That was SO many years ago! Get over it already woman!
How\'s that like my life?! Fast forward to last year. I get two bad reviews out of hundreds on my service, and I subconciously think everyone feels that way. I\'m in hiding mode. From everyone. For no reason. WTF. I miss my friends and support and worry that I will feel exactly like this on my deathbed. I don\'t trust my relationships though, as much as I miss them. While I\'m in them, I wonder how truthful it all is. I sense fakeness in a nanosecond and distance myself. But who knows if I\'m just making it all up because of fear of closeness. So many times I\'ve gotten close to people just to have them leave my life for one reason or another. I\'d rather not put them through the hassle.
These are a few of the things in my head right now, while I\'m trying to write some kind of history for my first meeting with a psychiatrist tmrw. I guess I just had to vent. Sorry for being such a depressing whiner. I have a hell of a lot to be thankful for. And I don\'t focus on this stuff most of the time.. but I\'m inadvertantly allowing this to screw up my life and I HATE the fact that he still has that much control.
Maybe I\'m just crazy. Maybe I\'ll find out tomorrow. Ha!