that is the question.
and yes i know the answer is no. why?
because i promised my partner i wouldn't and that is the only reason there are sharp knives in the house with me while he is outside in his work shed – so it would be a major breech of trust AND i haven't actually opened my flesh deliberately for over two years BUT on the plus side i am feeling furious and kind of dead inside at the same time and cutting is the only way i know that will relieve that horrible feeling inside me.
i am feeling this way largely as a result of a huge argument we have just had which ended with him saying that he was sick and tired of me making other people think he is a controlling [email protected] argument was had once we returned from our only friend's place (a couple who like us are trying to live simply outside the system on a few acres of land far from the maddening crowd).
to cut a long story short – i am feeling overwhelming pressure to perform supportive tasks around the home and he is feeling downtrodden and hard done by as my attempts (i really am trying) are not satisfactory to him – meaning he has less time to do the things he enjoys (like working on engines).
to lengthen an otherwise short story i made the neccessary (as deemed by him) phone calls and arranged the visit because he wanted and now has possession of an old motorbike he had seen at our friend's place when we were there last. the wife (my friend) who i called first was not at home (she was in town an hour away) but he insisited i ring the husband (his friend) to ensure it wouldn't be a wasted trip. i did as he asked and arranged the pick up and off we went. i would rather have stayed homebut still cannot be trusted to spend a few hours home alone. grrrrrr. after a few hours my friend came home and we cranked their generator up and had coffee together.
i mentioned that i wanted to try a wireless prepaid broadband connector (as my friend had just bought a new one home with her) but that my partner didn't think it was a good idea – this is in fact true – but man he went off at me right there at their kitchen table about how as long i paid for it out of my money, all i had to do was ask for help to set it up and he does everything to satisfy me but i am a never ending pit of need etc with raised voice and although i was shaking and thought i might burst into tears i managed to say something like "can we talk about this later, at home?" and the visit continued albiet a bit tensely.
well we got home but didn't talk really – he is brimming with resentment towards me, more than i had realised – i can't handle this agro it sends me to a very dark place and as he was clearly upset and getting more upset i said i would be happy with an acknowledgement from him that he had over reacted at our friend's place. no go. just more raised voice lecturing on how he has such a burden to bear with me and i have no right to make him look like in his words a controlling [email protected] in front of others.
tears are streaming down my face. i feel like i have been misunderstood and/or unheard and tried and found guilty of a crime against his good name and long suffering time with me. he doesn't like me being on this site or the internet full stop. if only he knew how much DT helps me cope with the bad times. like now.