Today was the first day of speech class.

I was tardy, which bothers me because so far I have NEVER been late to class.

The group activity went okay, I was able to speak, but I think everyone could tell how nervous I was. I had teh urge to cry a few times, but was able to hold back.

When class was dismissed a girl at my table said I did fine, and that practice makes perfect. Which kinda emmbarases me a little. I am gonna talk to my teacher during her office hours to discuss my anxiety. Im not really sure what can be done, because the whole point of the class is making speeches.

I went by dissability services and got some paperwork, but again, I have no idea what they could do for me.

My mom thinks it may be better for me to just drop out for a while and work. While I hate school, I really don't want to drop out. We are told as small children that that is the worst thing we could possibly do, so it's a little taboo for me.

I think I will take the summer off though, been going year round since fall 09, I need a break. Then a little while before the next term starts I think I will go to the regisrar and see if they can help me get signed up for online classes. Disability can help with this too, if I get approved.

TO be honest I don't really even know what my official diagnosis is. All I know is that my shrink is trying to treat symptoms of ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression.

Im thinking of asking my shrink if there's a way I could get tested for the math equivelant to Dyslexia. I can't spell the proper name correctly.

I dont understand complicated math problems at ALL. I have kept a whole binder of notes but when it comes to doing problems I just can't seen to get tha hang of it.

I have had a epiphany about my feelings toward math though. As much as I dont understand it, I do like it. It's more interactive than other classes. I like sitting there doing something with my hands, figuring out the problem.

Sitting still and listening to a lecture is my main problem. My mind wanders alot.

I think doing all online classes would really be best for me. I really just dislike being around alot of people, which is why I like the learning labs that they have on campus.

Social anxiety is a BIG issue with me. I hate being the only one in the store, but I also hate being too close to people too. WHen I see someoen I know, I get the fight or flight reaction, usually its flight. Like when I saw my uncle at Albertsons, I ran and hid in the back of the store until he bought his groceries and left.

Its easier for me to go out with my mom or my brother.

My mom is getting older now. Shes only 57, but shes been talking recently about retirement and eventually her death.

The idea of her dying bothers me alot. Im actually very accepting of death, and as I got older it doesn't bother me like it does most people. I love my mother, dont get me wrong, but what bothers me the most about the thought of her dying is that I don't have my anchor anymore. There wont be anyone for me to go to when I need help. I just hope I am married before she dies. I know that theres more to a marriage than just this, but I really need some security. I need someone to be there with me, who can be patient with me.

bleh. Im just ranting now. I really dont have much more to say.

actually wait, I do have more to say. Ontop of all the anxiety from today I had cramps all night and all day today. I dont usually get cramps and these really hurt. Ibuprophen hasnt helped, but I cant take anythign else because im allergic to asprin. iughakjsdhghuiaegk I really need to get back on my brth control so I dont have to have a period every month.

okay, NOW im done.