I am so tense and in such a bad mood that my damn nervous habits keep kicking in. The first is wrinkling my forehead repeatedly…I do it until the muscles are actually sore and I can't seem to stop. Then there's my throat…it's tensing again. It's painful but I can't loosen it up, not one bit. It's like getting caught in the middle of swallowing just as your muscles clench and being stuck like that for an unknown length of time.
I'm irritated that I still miss the guy I'm crushing on at times. He's no good, I know it, and yet I keep hoping for more, keep searching for answers. Meanwhile, my ex wants me back and now considers me his girlfriend. I'm not sure that I want to be his girlfriend after what he did but I'm not sure that the connection between us should be severed. And yet I have to admit…I don't feel I'm in love with him anymore. It feels forced. I just haven't gone all the way with admitting it to him and cutting off that connection…
Meanwhile, I'm attempting to figure things out with my classes. I have 18 credits, way too many, and I'm drowning or at least I feel like I am because I just didn't study hard enough to keep up with that much work. I'm contemplating dropping ASL because God knows I can't keep up either way. I can memorize stuff but when it's signed back to me, I can't understand, it's just too much, too fast, my brain can't keep up. It takes too long for me to piece together what letters are being spelled to me and what those letters combine to mean. It takes too long for me to translate common words into fingerspelling wtihout losing my place, misspelling the word (which I wouldn't do orally or on paper), or just flat out screwing up the way my hands should be moving. I feel humiliated at times and anxious just stepping into the room.
On top of that, I want to keep my short story class which is kind of intense. She expects a rather high level of contribution from us and she already seems to dislike me as it is. I get the feeling that she wrote me off as a nothing after I missed the first class but that wasn't even my fault! I couldn't get into the class, it was full, so I kept checking back repeatedly until someone dropped it. Even still, I can pull off a passing grade there, reading is my thing and I feel like it'll stretch my mind out – in a good way. =/
I asked my ex what he thought I should do and he was kind of short with me. He was playing a video game so he wasn't really actively talking to me and he said that he was frustrated because I shouldn't have taken 18 credits in the first place. But I thought I had to in order to graduate on time or I wouldn't have. =(
I'm just sad anymore, this blows. =(