Found the love of my life, moved into my first apartment, had a child, working on a home, and getting my drivers licenes… thats just the last year and a half. My life has taken a dramatic turn for the better in almost every way i've even quit smoking weed, working on 1 year 1 month 6 days. The one thing that i can't seem to turn around is (1. my constant sense of being directionless (2. my destructive addiction to porn. i just can seem to fix theses things. in adressing issue 1 i always have somehting to do, i'm currently a stay at home dad with my 3 month old son, so between keeping him happy, and stimulated i have keeping my apartment clean, paying bills, makeing dinner, and other assorted household tasks. it seems like no ammount of caffine is ever helpful i'm just constantly tired, and i feel  like i'm not living my life. it's like i'm liveing some other life but i'm seeing it through my eyes i guess i'm still just adjusting to life as a stay at home dad, but of course in trying to deal with this issue i find myself reverting, i'll admit that had been drinking much more, even when i was home alone with me son who at the time was around 6 weeks old i become lazy at the drop of an emotional hat, and can't seem to dig myself up, so of course this makes me feel horrid about myself. this drives me to porn sometimes, but i dont understand why it's like i find some relife in it, it's either that or i'm just lowiring myself to how i feel about my self. I just dont know where to go anymore, i almost feel unloved. after my son was born there was a 6 week no fly zone when it came to sex with my feiance… that has now moved to 3 months, and 2 weeks long, there have been sometimes that we fooled around, ya know all hands, but thats just not the same, i mean we were having sex up until like 2 weeks before going to the hospital, and on a pretty regular basis, and i dont know what to do about it, i mean i've tried to woo her and make it romantic, and she still dosen't feel like she is ready for it, i guess i really can't hold it against her, but i just feel like she isn't trying to make it any better sometimes, and so i have no sexual contact . we have talked about it, but it's always the same, she just dosen't feel ready to have sex yet, and i'm getting scared that she never will, at least not with me. so at this point i feel like i really need to vent this, i dont have anywhere to go, i can't bring myself to tell family and friends, becuase i've spent enough of my life having them worry about me, and i can't tell her becuase she just dose'nt understand where i am coming from with it she too has delt with despression, and addiction but had no one there to help her get what she needed to do. i just feel like no matter what there is no getting her to understand sometimes so i find it hard to talk to her about this stuff. what i do know is that i need to make that great change, i need to turn my life around, all the way. I've lost my passion, and lust, i've lost my spirituality and connection to nature, it's starting to feel like i've lost what i used to think was me somewhere along the way with out even knowing it.


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