Just want to apologize for any offensive language or comments, but in the quotes " " I put it exactly as he said it.
I really hate to always complain, but I just want to get this off of my chest. It seems that through out my life whenever I have a 'discussion' or argument I'm the only one that takes something from it, is that wrong? I was always told that things said in an argument are said out of anger and no one means what they're saying, is that right? To me when someone argues they get everything out, they tell what they truly feel inside, they show their true selves. Also when there is something frightening or sad going on, people show their true selves, this is just what I think, but I've always been told that when people are arguing that isn't the case.
Lately things had been going really good, I guess it was because my boyfriend and I saw that a bad situation was coming our way so we avoided the situation together, and after that things with us have been going a lot better, I thought it was because he saw how much fun and good it is spending time with me and actually trying to talk about things that are bothering him and try to get closer to people. But I was wrong, last night we got into an argument, and the thing is, when I went to go talk to him I even told him "Baby, if you don't tell me what is wrong then this is going to turn into an argument." He still didn't want to tell me, even though he was extremely upset and angry at me, he didn't want to tell me.
What happened was that basically through out the entire day he was trying to show me attention, and to be honest, I'm not used to getting attention from him anymore so when he tried to give me attention I knew that I shouldn't get my hopes up because it isn't going to last, so I chose to just give him his space like he's always complaining about. Then when it was night time he said that he had to go to bed early since he had to wake up early to go sort things out with his bank. 12am rolled around and he still wasn't in bed, he was chatting on my computer. And it doesn't really bother me what he was doing, but the fact that he said he needed to go to bed early and it was 12am and he wasn't going to go to bed any time soon.
So I told him to turn off the computer because he still had to get up early tommorrow. I know that I could have handled the situation better, but at that point it was 12am and I was tired and frustrated from the day because the day that he decides to smother me with attention is the day that I try to get stuff done and have finally accepted that he's not going to show me the attention that I've asked from him for the past 10 months. So I do appreciate the attention he was giving me, but it was something that I didn't need at the time and that I don't need to that extent.
Basically long story short, he left the room and didn't say anything, and I knew something was up because he never does that. All of the stuff he was doing was still on the computer screen so I read it, and yes I know that I probably shouldn't have done that but the way I see it is that I've left things on my computer and he reads it and goes through it all, and he never tells me anything so this is the only way I can see how he feels and how he's seeing things. Basically he was upset for these 3 main reasons: 1. His grandpa took away the car that he was letting him use 2. His 'best friend' isn't his best friend anymore 3. He's in debt
These are all problems that I knew about, but I don't see them the same way he sees it. With him not having a car anymore, it's just for one day, his grandpa even said that he's going to use the car for one day. So to me, that's temporary, it's nothing to really stress about and on top of that he already has another ride to work. With issue 2…honestly, I know this is going to sound absolutely horrible, but I'm actually pretty content with the second issue, that issue I wouldn't change at all. Becuase his 'best friend' was obessed with him, she would contact me when she couldn't get a hold of him to see how he's doing, what he's doing, if he's feeling ok…all that, and the thing is, he's only know his 'best friend' for 3 months. Him and her did a lot of other stuff, but in a nut shell, she was acting like an obsessive girlfriend, and that annoyed and angred the hell out of me. Especially when he would put me aside to go be with her, I would be upset about something or I would be worried, or even just want to spend time with him and he would put that aside because he "needs to spend more time with her." He used to talk with her and everything for over 7 hours straight daily…to me that is kind of enough time, especially when I'm at work and gone from the house for over 10 hours a day and the over 7 hours straight that I would see him spending with her were while I'm at home. But anyways, I have a blog about my problem with him and her already written, so whatever, it's over and done with. so issue 3, to me that can be solved really easy and it actually could have been avoided! I have offered time and time again to help him, he doesn't want my help. I could have help him to not be in debt, but he didn't take my help, we actually used to get into arguments because he wouldn't take my help.
He told me last night that the way he sees it "Why bring someone else down with me when I'm falling." How I see it "Why not let someone stop you from falling?" Basically the whole argument boiled down to the same old problems, him expecting unrealistic things from me and me actually being stupid enough to try to live up to them, and me having pretty simple expectations of him and him refusing to even accept them as an option. Here's a lovely example that occured last night. He's always said that he's waiting for that special person, he's waiting for his perfect girl, and his perfect girl is "A gothic lesbian with a super tight, slim and sexy body." I had my own translation of that, but here was his example to show what he ment "I want a girl that doesn't care about anyone, but she has a soft spot for me. I want her to come home from a mechanic or construction job on a motorcycle and not even park it, just basically throw it in the garage. She comes in, opens up a beer and watches t.v. and then I come home from work and she doesn't care. I ask her how her day was and she just ignores me and doesn't give a sh*t. Then later on we probably get into an argument and end up making out." Ya…to me that's basically he wants a gothic girl who has no heart and is more of a man then he is, but has the body of a runway model and a nympho.
To me, that is unrealistic and I told him this, because that's the kind of girl that he's waiting for, I'm sorry but to me there isn't a girl like that, and even if there is, he's not going to be able to handle her, he's even told me that he's never enjoyed sex, still doesn't enjoy it and never will and on top of that, he barely has the stamina to do it once a day, so how would he keep up with her like that? Also, he always tells me how much of a bitch I am…if I'm a bitch then how the hell do you think his perfect girl is going to be? I understand that it's his perfect girl, ok, that's good, but when your perfect girl is unrealistic and you're holding out for her, to me that seems stupid and unhealthy.
Then after that he wanted me to tell him what my perfect guy is, I have 2 things, I have my perfect dream guy and what I consider my perfect real life guy. My perfect dream guy is basically we live in a nice little secluded place and he's filthy rich so niether of us have to work and we travel the world and he's tall, tan, muscular, thick dark hair, loving and caring and I'm basically just his world and he loves being a hopeless romantic, and every so often we go horseback riding right before sunset and then we sit down and watch the sun set while he holds me in his arms and I can just feel his love for me and then every so often he tells me how much he loves me…that's my perfect dream guy. Now here's my perfect real life guy. A guy who supports me and lets me support him, someone who keeps up with me and cares about me, cares about what I think, what I feel, cares about me. He lets me know what troubles him, he lets me into his world. We have arguments but we work through them together, we have similar goals in life and we care about each other. That's my perfect real life guy. I told him both of those things, his response "So you want a guy that will be your bitch."
Basically the rest of the argument was just him saying how his problems are just that, his problems, I shouldn't worry or care about his problems, and I shouldn't care if he tells everyone in the world everything and tells me nothing. Honestly, I know that I have problems, but the thing is he's always complaining why can't I be good enough, to me it's a bit frustrating when you're trying to make things work and no one is meeting you half way or even trying to. So basically we ended it with both of us telling each other what just really eats us up inside evey day. His thing is that no one cares about him or loves him. My thing is that the one person who I want attention from and who I want to love me, doesn't.
Also, last night (or this morning I guess) I brought up that a while ago I gave up on the relationship and was basically thinking like this "If I had the money to leave I'd leave…but by the time I get the money things probably (hopefully) have changed and so I wouldn't leave since things changed." This was his response "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?! I could have been saving up to send you back to California all this time!" To me that hurt a lot, I'm telling him that I've given up on our relationship because he refuses to meet me half way or accept my help or even show some care towards me and his response is Why didn't I tell him sooner so that he could save up to send me back. He can't save up money to pay off his debt, or to pay rent or pay for groceries or for a car or even to pay for his gas, but he can save up to send me back to California perminantly? To me that's kind of like an extreme version of sending one of your problems somewhere else thinking that it will fix the other problems too…and even then, if he gets rid of me he's still going to have those problems. If anything, those problems are going to get worse and whenever he decides to get another girlfriend…guess what? He's going to have the same problems that we're having in this relationship, either that or the relationship isn't going to last at all.
I guess that's what I ment in the blog I wrote really early this morning. I'm trying to force him to solve his problems, I'm trying to force him to be an adult and deal with things instead of just letting things happen. I'm trying to make him into someone who does something and fixes things instead of just giving up once something doesn't go perfectly. It's hard because he tells me time and time again "If you want to help me then hold my hand and tell me exactly what to do as you're doing it for me." To me that isn't helping, to me that's just doing things for him. In my eyes, I'm trying to point him in the right direction and telling him "Hey, here are the things you need to do, here's how I do those things, but if that way doesn't work for you then twist it a bit until it works for you."