i have always keep my distance from people when they get too close. when i see the face´s of question i dont want to hear i change the subject. i have always let my emotions secret, but i already know some have a hunch in my family or friends. i do anything to change the subject each time, away from grief, love and depression. i have been in love, i dont know this feeling much. i only know the start of it, the first time seeing someone, then i never get anywhere with it. i cant get rid of this feeling of love in my heart, pain of feeling attractive to someone and endure the pain of beeing alone with this. i never confess to this.
grief is big part in my life to. i lost my favourite uncle about 10-12 years ago, he appired diffrent than others when they are drunk, and he cared about me, visit me, and talk to me. my parents never got connected with us, me and four of my big sisters. i have never really talked about me, i always end up listening now, the good guy who helps. why cant they see the pain i endure while i empathize how they feel. sometimes i think the alcohol will do some of the weight easier, but i grew up with drunken uncles and aunts. parents drunk and yelling each weekends, loud music. i saw what it did, the alcohol and i never want to pick it up, i might end up the same.
i wish love was possible for me, i have seen it all around other people. i envy people having love, being together, someone with you. i can never open up to anyone like i can in this blog, not even psycitrist or therapy,psykology. they always see me as any citizen having problem with parents and have to move. i can never confess what i feel, get close to a person.
Love can only enter, when you are vulnerable and can bear to risk getting hurt.
I know how you feel. We tend to endure how to depend only to ourselves without anybody who cares. Some people only cares about themselves but forgets about the others or never really appreciate the good part you've done for them. Its hard to find someone who would understand what is really going on in our lives because they are not in our place and not encountering our specific experiences, they would only have a typical idea. In my mind, going to a psychiatrist is just about when you are willing to take medications to temporarily "soothe" the external manifestations of what we've been going through, but it won't change the situation, but only to calm our malfunctioning hormones or chemicals that affects the brain to give us certain tolerance too, but it may somehow help. Finding a psychologist/therapist is also something that needs thorough searching, they might help but you should find someone whom you could be very much open or comfortable, you can tell it by yourself if you think they are open and can understand your situation, but if you think they don't and their advices doesn't really fit in for your situation, then you should keep on finding, never stop til you find the right one. And yes, you will always hear they will tell you to just move, they will not wonder how possible for you to do it on certain circumstances…but maybe you need therapy and life coach how to manage things first, because all of us who are struggling should work on being strong so we would be able to function well and do things that we need to do. Would you be able to control alcohol if you can? it could just worsen depression. Bottomline, you need someone who is open-minded, understanding and will not judge you, not just "pretending" to be one. If you don't like the people living around you, then don't copy their ways, be someone better than them. I am not perfect and still struggling from depression, all I can offer is also listen, I'm not a doctor and I might not be sure what advices to supply in your specific situations…