So this is where I’ll start by telling you my situation, Blog number 1. Here goes:

I’m not even sure where to begin. Everything that I’m about to say might come out as nonsensical jumble because I still have yet to understand where my unhappiness comes from. I think that’s the hardest thing for me- I continuously feel the need to dig down and find the source of my unhappiness. It is an unacceptable concept to me that my happiness just comes from nowhere, from a chemical imbalance within me. Maybe that’s my biggest problem…that I’m unwilling to admit that may be what it is.

I suppose I should start off by saying I know I am not worthless. I know I have a lot going for me, that I am lucky to be alive and have all that I do in life. I am lucky enough to be halfway through a university education, I live in a nice neighborhood and I have a great group of friends that I’ve known my whole life. I have been blessed with so much, and a lot of the time I feel ridiculously guilty for feeling so unhappy because of all I have in life.

I suppose I’m worried because over the past year- no matter what successes I’ve achieved, or how much love and support I’m surrounded with, or no matter how easily I am able to put on a good act- I do not feel happy. I have happy days where I am feeling good about myself and feel like I have things in life figured out…but most days, and especially lately, I feel very unhappy with my life. I am irritable, I can’t sleep, I have issues focusing, and have bouts of tears spring up from nowhere. While I’m usually a very social person, I haven’t been out of the house except for work and errands in over a month, with the exception of about 4 short visits with friends.

I have tried to do things that make me happy and that I feel passionate about. I love theatre and have immersed myself right into the thick of it at my school, scoring the lead roles in plays and praise of many of my professors- but that’s still not enough. I am still always unhappy and doubtful of myself.  I have tried finding happiness both in relationships and by being single and swearing off any relationships because I think it’s good for me to find happiness on my own before I can find happiness in a relationship, and in both situations I find I feel lost and I have a continuous sense that my life is just not balanced. I’m 21 and most of my friends are in serious, healthy relationships. I have yet to find one that has worked past 6 months, and I’m starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I used to always think that I just had a terrible taste in men, but now I’m thinking that I’m just incapable of having a healthy relationship. What am I doing that’s making them fall apart?

I have always been a very driven and focused person, knowing exactly what I want to do with my life and taking all the necessary steps to make that happen, but lately…my world has been turned upside down because I’m starting to question what it is I’m doing in university (and I’m more than half way through my 5 year degree) and what it is I want to do with my life. I’m starting to question other major life goals that I’ve always had like having a family someday. Not only am I questioning it (because I understand that questioning said goals is a normal experience), but I am truly doubting whether or not I can accomplish such goals and if that’s even what I want in life. It scares the hell out of me.

I have always been very outgoing and confident, and I have a very good group of friends. Most of my family is supportive, aside from my mother who does not understand what I am experiencing and keeps telling me to "grow up", "figure it out" or "shake it off".
Despite having people all around me, I can’t help but feeling so alone.
 

My family and friends have always seen me as a spontaneous, outspoken and vibrant person. I have casually mentioned to a few very close friends and my sister that I have not been feeling happy lately…but I have not confided in any one the degree to which this unhappiness is consuming me. No one knows how alone and unhappy I am feeling right now because everyone is used to my wild and outgoing personality. Being the ‘actor’ that I am, I have become quite good at faking happiness…but its becoming a tired show and I’m not sure how long I can handle it for. I suppose I don’t want to tell my family because my cousin, of whom I’m very close with, just came home early from a year long trip across the world and was diagnosed as being bipolar. Our entire family is rallying around her, and I do not in any way want to take away from they support we’re giving her…nor do I want to be seen as a drama queen looking for attention. My mother has also recently battled off breast cancer. She is still healing from the process, and when she tells me to "figure it out" or "shake it off" it not only makes me feel more depressed, but it makes me feel guilty because I feel I don’t have the right to feel the way I’m feeling after what she’s been through.

I’m not sure if anyone will read this, or if any one can think of any advice to give me in finding happiness or a solution to the reason I’m feeling the way I am.
I appreciate the space to write out my thoughts…this is the first time I have actually put it all down in a stream of conscious thought as opposed to a bunch of random thoughts floating through my cluttered head and feelings drifting about within me. Thank you for the space and time…and I wish the best of luck to everyone else out there dealing with low feelings and discombobulating thoughts.
I hope you all find what it is you are searching for in the great abyss that is this life.