I’m having a lot of difficulty just getting through recent days. I’ve been struggling this year with the stress of school and juggling everything that’s going on in my life now and from the past, from dealing with money issues, to addictions issues within my family, to being a nuisance to those that have taken me in, to simply maintaining relationships. I’m seeing a guy who’s too good for me in every which way, doesn’t come from an ugly past and doesn’t seem to been touched by the same kind of struggles. He deserves so much more than me or what I have to offer. I’m disgusted by the person I see and am, the person he knows nothing about and its been a constant from of worry. I’m constantly hating myself, hating who I am and what I am. I’m weighed down by the anxiety of doing anything socially because the nervousness and fear of judgement are all too overwhelming. I fear being picked on in class, when I even think of speaking I have to try my best to distract myself from the thought. When I am put in these situations I choke up, I can’t speak, my heart rate accelerates, I feel nausea, and I embarrass myself and become tormented by these things – no matter how small the incident may seem. My constant failures are on repeat in my head, I can’t get past my mistakes. My friends say it’s little and to not worry about it, and I know I overthink and I know they must be right, but I simply can’t stop even though I desperately want to. I want control. I recently found resolve in resorting to hurting myself, feeling I need the escape, no matter how short, and think I deserve the pain anyway. I haven’t in a long time, but I needed something to make the thoughts disappear for an instant. I don’t want to feel or be this way anymore, but I can’t help it and I can’t ignore it. I’ve tried and tried to act normal. But the thoughts reappear and I can’t stop the episodes from occurring.
I’m unsure of what to do anymore. But I think I’ve taken the first step in asking for help.