Thank you all for the very positive response! I'm delighted i found this site!

So i shall continue my story:

Thankfully, after waiting for my appointment, i was scanned and it was not cancer i had. It was such a relief!!! I felt like i had my life back again. However the relief soon faded away as the ocd set in. Even though i knew i was in perfect health, i couldnt stop thinking of cancer. I was terrified. Still it seemed like cancer was everywhere in the media. I couldnt escape it. And then a few months later as i was still struggling through this ocd, a high profile celebrity was diagnosed with terminal cancer and the person decided to document their own demise to raise awarness. Which led to this person being on television, on the news and in the papers almost every day for months! The public watched this person fade away and die. It was a HORRIBLE story. Just horrible. And now i can appreciate it, what that person did, and how they helped so many. And i even feel guilty now, that thinking back on this, i was so selfish. Whenever i saw this person on tv, i changed the channel and performed some ritual. Or whenever i heard people talking about the person i had to repeat whatever action i just performed until i did it without thinking about the person.

I feel bad because i wished this person would stop being on tv, stop raising awareness, so my mind could just be free. Although i feel bad for my selfishness, i have forgiven myself. I was mentally ill. I see the light now.

Months later, the ocd was no better, and a year, still no better. I was checking my lymph nodes everyday for lymphoma, checking my moles for melonoma, checking my genitals, everywhere. And whats worse – i regularly thought i had cancer, i became a hypochondriac. My lymph nodes would swell from a flu, and i would assume it was cancer, i would get a new frekle from the sun and assume it was cancer. Now my rational mind would tell me "No, no way man, think about it, you have the flu, that's why your lymph nodes are swolen!" however this voice was drowned out by the other voice – the OCD voice screaming "I HAVE CANCER, I HAVE CANCER, OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE!" (Btw a few years ago, just typing that quote would have set my ocd off like crazy!) But i just had to learn to deal with it. To trust the rational voice even though it was so quiet. I gave me a lot of anxiety, but i could manage.

However the worst came when the ocd spread to my family. Not literally. I mean that i would see a mole on my sisters neck and think "Oh my God, she's gonna die!" same with my parents and brother. This was the hardest to take. Because it was no longer about me anymore. There were lives at stake and it was my duty to save them! That was what it felt like, it was as if i was watching my family walk towards a cliff blindfolded and i was the only one who could grab them and stop them falling off!

By this point, i knew i had OCD. I dont remeber a point at which i realised this. It was gradual. But at least the fact that i knew i had OCD helped me cope.

Thankfully, over time, this ocd eventually subsided. I dont know how, lack of stimuli maybe, partly religion, learning to trust in God that if He wants me to have cancer, fine. God's Will be done.

Surrendering responsibilty i suppose. I was no longer the one who had to save everyone. God would look after us.

Again, thank you for reading. It means so much.

I will post the next part of the story detailing my current OCD stage very soon. The cancer OCD has stopped but sadly the OCD in general is a lot worse.

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    Ocd does have the habit of morphing into something else; so there is much of the sensation of chasing your tail.

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