I just feel like shit right now and I have no idea why.  Isn't that wierd?  There is nothing that went wrong really, just small potatoes and for the most part things went great today.  See here is the thing I went to a work party tonight and I made an idiot of myself.  Someone knew that I could play the paino so they took my keys and wouldn't let me leave until I played I played really fast and bad and got my keys back cuz I was tired and I wanted to go.

For some dumb reason I feel sooo embarassed.  I shouldn't I mean what the hell?  Other people sang all fifty states song and Hannah Montanah heck someone even played Carol the Bells.  **No one's comment should be "What kind of lame party were YOU at?"  Don't ask**  Anyways I just have been sooo self conscious lately like nothign I wear makes me look good, like nothing I eat makes me feel full enough and it only has a lot of calories in the end, nothing I do makes me cool enough but who is ME exactly anyway.

I think that I'm not so good at being a young adult.  I mean come on I should know how to have fun every once and a while.  I am so torn between honestly shutting my door and reading in my bedroom for the next month and going out and getting so smashed even though I have to work tommorow.  That's the thing I don't drink, I never swear (which I know twice so far in this note but hey that is a lot for me and I'm in a pretty shitty mood.  Yay three)  I don't smoke, I don't party (if you couldn't tell by my obvious partying on a tuesday at a party where people sing the fifty states song), I listen to my parents and I take care of my family.  I try to go to work on time and I go to church on Sunday.  I just feel like such a litlte miss perfect tight wad urrrrrghhh.  I just want to have fun but I want to do the right thing.  I want to be perfect but then I don't.

I guess I wrote that I'm dissappointed because I am, in me.  That I can't just be better.  I can't just be happy with how things are the way they are.  I have to keep judging myself and judging myself.  Why can't I just accept me for who I am why do I have to keep changing for everyone else????  The thing is that I"m so wierd that honestly if I were completly myself people wouldn't want to be around me.

I feel like a thousand different cookie cutters are trying to shape me into different things; into the typical little miss perfect, into the typical college student, into the typical Christian into the typical young adult.  I just want to run away and say "Cookie cutters leave me alone, let me be myself okay?  I don't care anymore"


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