So in my last entry I stated that I have felt more disconnected from my family than ever before and tonight, the gap grew even wider.
When I was a kid, I was pretty "normal". But over the years, I began to develop my own unique personality that now seems to rub my family the wrong way. For example, I'm a homebody. I don't like going places very much, not because I am afraid or anything weird but because I simply feel far more content and comfortable dressed down and in my own house. This bothers my Mom because sometimes she wants to go places and I'm usually not in the mood.
I'm also very much concerned with right and wrong and what's fair and what's not fair. It's wrong for my Mom to baby my brother and it's not fair for her to treat him like a favorite. When I speak up or put my foot down, everyone talks about me behind my back. I'm the brat, the bitch. No, I don't do chores. I won't do chores. I refuse. My brother is never made to do anything so I refuse to do anything myself. I shouldn't have to serve my family because I was born first and/or a girl. There is no reason why he can't be more responsible and since they never make him do anything, I stand by my decision to also be useless around the house. I've told them this many times and it never gets through. I'm still just a lazy bitch.
Not only that but I make it a point to take care of myself. I don't talk to my parents much because they use what I say against me or make me feel bad. I don't offer help often because my Dad takes advantage of you if you do. This, too, gets me labeled a bitch.
Even more, I've come to realize just how unclean a lot of my family's habits are. Putting their fingers in other peoples' food, not washing their hands before cooking, not cleaning the bathrooms thoroughly, walking around outside or in the basement with no shoes on, etc.. They call me nuts, I call them hogs.
So today, I forced myself to the county fair despite it being like 95 degrees out but I refused to go in any of the barns. I hate the smell, I'm not interested, and I don't like having to dodge piles of shit. But this apparently angered my mother enough for her to tell my Gram how she never has anyone to do anything with and that I wouldn't even go in the barns with her. She can refuse to take me to a movie but I can't refuse to snort shit in a barn with her.
They either act like I am crazy or they act like I'm snooty. Tonight, Mom basically said that I am prissy and "belong in a city". Guess what? Living in the middle of nowhere isn't necessarily a positive thing and it sure as fuck isn't all there is to life. Hell, my own Gram equates my life to living in a damn cave.
I'm 22, I have my own personality and my own life, I can't live at home until she dies to keep her company. I'm sick of her expecting me to do stuff with her and insisting that she does stuff with me (yeah, sure) while my brother, yet again, flies under the radar. I bet my Dad is mad that I didn't work this summer and yet here it is, August, and my brother hasn't applied for a job yet. When I told Mom that surely he'll have a job by October, she said he probably won't. It's okay for him to not work at all or go to school but I'm a dirty S.O.B. because I took one summer off?
I just want left alone. I want them to get off my damn back. And I'm sick of my boyfriend telling me to "tone down the anger at the world". He even said that I was acting "brattish" because I've been so angry lately. Fiiiiine, fine, I get it, it's beat up on ghostgirl month.