My head is filled with her all day morning evening and night. She is all I want and can think about…. I imagine how happy we will be one day. All of the things we will dod. All of the places we will go. How happy we will be together… I am getting somewhat better at imagining because I will probably honestly never love in real life. I feel like I am here for one reason and once I accomplish that one reason I can die. I hate myself and can’t even bare to look in a mirror. People are always making extremely rude remarks on my appearance but everything they say is fucking true. I am disgusting and I am not surprised I am alone and that will honestly never change. I have been heartbroken so many times I just stopped counting… and now I have met an amazing girl who I can’t even see for years and can only speak to on here. I know she cares.. but ppl don’t love me… I’m just different. I observe and I don’t fit in. I have to pretend and at this point I can’t even do that anymore. As humans we all want to be loved or cared for…. but not me. I really don’t think I am human and I probably sound crazy but I can argue my position. I’ve met death and the Keeper of the place… He has shown me what I want but has told me I will never get it and I am no fool.. nO matter how good the words may seem right now. Once we make eye contact she will be gone… Just like everyone else 🙁
I just hate my life and I want to sleep forever. She deserves better, not me. She deserves to be happy. I won’t be what she wants. I’m not what anyone wants. It’s so funny how people can break your heart then wish for your happiness and they are onto the next.. Like you are fucking nothing. It’s so amazing honestly. Being told the same things over and over and not having the ability to change it. Seeing others around you doing better and becoming happier while you are still so fucking miserable. How good is life. Love, happiness, joy, relief are things i will not experience in this lifetime but maybe the next. So why wait? I hate putting things off.. She knows that, so it might be about time to go.