I’ve had my freak outs and my moments of feeling set back, but at this point, I feel like I’m really gonna see this thing through. I want it so much. I know, if I just get through the worst of it, I can do this. It’s so crazy… the way things have changed lately. I don’t really think about killing myself, anymore. (Okay – I did have a couple moments this weekend, when I felt like I’d never be able to kick, and that made me feel like – "well, why keep living like this? You can’t have anything good, or be happy, if you can’t do this. So, if you can’t kick…" withdrawal just brings on some really dark moments and some really dark thoughts. I know I wouldn’t be strong enough to get through it without breaking, and going back (or, at least, hopping off the nearest bridge) if I didn’t have my friend supporting me. I keep referring him to him as my friend, because he’s on DT, so I feel a little odd writing about him here. I don’t know how he’d feel about it. I certainly don’t feel right using his real real name on here.
Maybe, I’ll give him a code name. Haha… he’d find that funny. For now, in my DT blogs, I shall refer to him as… Ace. 🙂
He’ll understand why. Not that I’m gonna start calling him that when we chat, but here, it beats the hell out of writing "my friend" over and over – which also errantly implies that I have only one friend. And, while I keep a small circle (a very small one these days), I do have more than one friend. Thank God, since Ace happens to live 800 mi away. We do talk about meeting up someday (hopefully) in the not-to-distant future. But, travel costs money, he’s in school, and I am presently tethered to outpatient. And, that’s where I have to go RIGHT NOW. I am running mad late. Shit… I didn’t realize how late it had gotten. Catch you kitties on the flip.