Ok so I got a comment on my last blog by my dear friend 44. I’m going to reply to her questoins while i’m half drunk and a bit more open to run my mouth.

I am sure your mum knows all about your drinking. I think she’s just like you, too afraid to confront you about it. When I was younger and smoking cigarettes my father used to pretend he didn’t know I smoked and I used to pretend I wasn’t smoking – in the house!!!!

Yeah I’m sure too, and I would agree with your comment here. We don’t talk. We still haven’t even talked about my suicide attempt and my stay in my hospital. I’m sure she does know. I don’t know if she even cares about it to be honest. Maybe she does, but is just too scared that i’ll bite her head off, which is likely. I’m do try to hide it… From her.. from everyone. They don’t need to know what I do. I’m sure there have been many mornings where she can smell alcohol on me.

Even vodka smells like alcohol.

I know.. but it’s less than beer.

You need to go into a detox place. I understand how difficult it is to avoid the temptations. I just wish i knew what would work for you. It must be a lack of self-belief at the bottom of it all. Is that it? I mean is that what triggers the cravings?

Detox. That dreaded work. I really don’t know if/how i would go to a place like that. And I don’t have the money. I know that just an excuse and whatever… I guess alot of it is fear. I’m scared to hell about what might happen in a dextox place. I still honestly believe that i’m not an alcoholic. I don’t feel like I need it EVERY day to survive. I do use it as a coping mechanism. There are times when YES I do drink every day, though the day. Some days YES I do feel alcohol dependant. I’m dependant on it for cheering me up.. even it its for a few hours before my crash.  Self belief.. I have none. I don’t feel like i’m good enough to complete any program. As soon as it gets tough, I get going. I run away from anything that is too hard. A prime example is the classes that i’m meant to be attending right now.

Why don’t you write about what triggers these cravings? And why did you decide not to go to class? Don’t you want to complete the course? Why don’t you care?

I don’t write about my tiggers.. cause.. well Mostly i’m scared that people will think they are rediculous, and I should be able to just get over it.

I just get this feeling.. like someone saying in my head.. Get a drink, you need a drink… I can’t discribe it well. Its like there is this other person that is telling me that I should have a drink cause it will make it better. I really crave it, and no matter how much I try, I have to have it. There have been a few times where I have had to borrow money, just to get a bit of alcohol. I feel so weak with not having it sometimes. Like it is the me. It makes me happy, if not for only a small amout of time. I feel like I get drawn to it. Like someone telling me, that If I get the alcohol, i’ll feel a bit better.. so I give in. I know this isn’t making much sence, so i’ll stop.

The course.. Well.. its a fear of failure. I don’t feel smart enough to complete it. I feel like everyone there is laughing at me cause I can’t make sence of it. I’m scared that i’ll fail. I’m scared that I wont pass.

Why don’t I care? — thats a very hard question for me to answer. I guess the above answers it.

Thank you 44 for your comments. And sorry that I annoy you and make you angry.