you know i havent written in a long time but here i am again.

I have tried for along time to fight my way out of the dark. All the pain and confusion and depression. It was tough and i thought i was out of it. Till the one person that i allowed myself to open up to broke me. And what makes it worse is this is the 2nd time its happened. I swore after the first time that noone would ever get that close. Noone has ever gotten that close, not my family or friends or even old Girlfriends.

This one was different. She did things that noone else could and pushed so hard and wouldnt leave me alone. Im not sure who is more messed up me or her. She leans toward drugs and drinking or use to, to deal with stuff and i went the other way with dealing.

We been apart for about 2 years and decided to give it another go. and for those 2 years we became close friends. closer than when we were together. All of  a sudden tonight. Its made clear that there is no hope……….

maybe im just dumb for thinking i could trust her or anyone for that matter. I just dont understand why at the time in my life when im dealing with just about all i can handle… i lose the one thing thats helped me keep my head above water.

I dont think i can take this anymore. I have fought to many times and im to tired to get back up and do it again. I am not that strong.

This shit is so heavy my entire body feels like stone. i can barely move it seems. I feel like i have lived enough shitty life for 8 people. So why the hell cant i have some good in life.

i got nothing left. im done with all this shit and i just dont know whats gonna happen anymore.

so damn tired