I wrote the following earlier today:
I'm feeling pretty sad right now. I'm not completely sure why this is hitting me so hard. Brandon and I have been trying to make a baby for about a year now. It wasn't happening, so I started making other plans. Why not try harder? Because it's not like everything else that I tried and quit. And it's really scary, and I take the decision very seriously. I've had a LOT of time to think about whether I'm ready, or fit, to be a parent. It could be that because of the torture I've been putting myself through in my mind about this topic that I've been a little more angry towards my husband lately…a little more verbal at least. I love him a lot, but it's been weighing on me and effecting me more than I realize or am willing to admit. My best friend is hard to talk to about it right now because she's pregnant and firmly believes that I would be happier if I had a baby, stayed home as a housewife, and went to church more. I know she loves me, but it's hard to be firm in my opinions because I'm insecure about alienating her with my thoughts and issues.
I got accepted to Portland State, and I am excited, but nervous. And my logical self was like, "Hey, it would be easier for your to finish your degree over the next two years if you didn't have to worry about being pregnant." So, after thinking about it for a couple months, and talking to my husband about it, I got the ball rolling to get on depo again.
I've been talking about whether I could get pregnant or not and my feelings of irritation towards people who keep asking me if I'm pregnant a lot lately in group and individual therapy this past week. I partially think I am getting back on birth control to make it really easy for me to not get pregnant, and not have to feel sad about the constant nagging feeling and guilt of not succeeding. If I'm on birth control then it's not possible, therefore I don't have to feel guilty or not good enough.
Why am I writing all this? Well, because I felt guilty before I got the shot, and I cried from the minute I got in my car, and driving all the way home, and I'm still crying right now. I feel like I gave up, even though technically I could just
not get my next shot if I so choose. I can still try to have a baby two years from now, with a degree under my belt. As my therapist said, I'm just really torturing myself over this. Deep, deep inside I was really hoping it would happen. It's super scary to me, but I'm realizing I really wanted it. I'm just extremely worried about being a bad mother. I feel like I can hardly take care of myself, let alone raising a little baby up into a functioning, happy adult. It's hard because there is no solid, absolute outcome to the situation. I just wanted to write some feelings down while I'm in the moment.
My husband just called me and after I explained what made me cry, he totally understood. He's coming home right now to talk about it and give me a big hug. Which I need.