The only bliss in my life is a few small distractions… mainly, the skype sex.. makes me feel fucking alive…. literally…. and of course the drinking.
I am a horrible girlfriend and a horrible human being. Frank has been dying to join the Park Slope Food Co-Op for as long as I can remember.. and they're so fucking exclusive and annoying to get into, etc…. and finally they approved him or whatever….. and tonight at 7:30 was the orientation for it. This has been the bane of my existence ever since he first got approved a couple of weeks ago… technically, everyone in your household has to join it, and must also work at it for 3 hours every month…. and it's all about community and meeting new people, etc etc… and of course i have no fucking interest in joining because it fucking terrifies me. But if I dont become a member then I cant shop there, therefore we cannot go foodshopping together, which, until recently, was one of our favorite pastimes…….
So he's at the orientation now, should be getting back soon… and I purposely worked late so that there was no chance I could make it to the orientation with him. Do I want to be a part of this shit where I have to work at really fucking inconvenient times and associate with "good folks" in brooklyn? FUCK NO. Why? Because I'm fucking depressed and antisocial and I fear humiliation.
I am so sorry Frank. The truth is… there are many things in life that I do not wish to share with you and I cannot apologize enough. Yet, I feel entirely entitled to my own feelings of stubbornness because of a shit ton of built-up anger about past incidents in which you hurt me immensely that I cannot let go of…. and, honestly, do not wish to let go of… because…. well, let's just face it… it's easier that way and feeds my insatiable and unsatisfied ego. It's like, I feel as though I have a fucking god-given right or pardon….. to be miserable and come home exhausted from a job that I hate and make myself suffer through… just as an excuse to pound liquor and watch movies and pass out, and paint once in a while if I feel like it, just for me.
And to boot… he bought me a present… a dress that I'll probably wear once because I wear the same shit everyday and it's much too fruity and fancy for my taste… and my gut reaction was "WHY THE FUCK WOULD THIS FUCKING IDIOT WASTE MONEY ON SOMETHING THAT I'LL NEVER WEAR UNLESS HE BEGS ME TO? FUCKING RETARD." … and I'm crying because of course it's really fucking thoughtful of him to buy me a present because he's entirely sincere…. but he always fails see the very certain stupidity of his gifts to me and all of his splurges in general. I would never wear a dress like this in a million years, it's too fucking happy for me, especially in the phase I'm going through at the moment. The print is sweet but the style isn't really me… right now. I know the dress will look bad on me and I'm not tall or confident enough to wear it so I don't know what the fuck he was thinking.
It's like… I WANT to ENJOY the dress and just say thank you and be sincerely grateful and wear it in good health, etc…. but I am so fucking undeserving of anyone's kindness right now because I'm such a fucking wretched human being.
99% of the time, he's just too good for me.