I can't describe what I'm feeling. It's a mixture of emotions. I can't even express everything I feel. I guess I'll just remain looking angry since it comes naturally to me. It's not like it matters anyway. No one here to actually listen to me. Even If I do voice what I feel it falls on deaf ears.

I'm far from home… or should I consider this home now? I miss New York. I miss Yuma. I miss my old job. I miss the friends that I had. I miss knowing that people depended on me. Don't misunderstand, I like Oregon, I just haven't fully adjusted to this, I still don't have a routine and I've fallen back into the same problem I've had almost two years ago. I have odd working/sleep schedule and I'm not eating healthy. What am I doing with my life? What did I get myself into? Did I jump the gun or am I doing that now? Don't get me wrong here. I am In love and I am happy to be married. It's what I wanted for a long while now. I'm also very happy knowing that I have a kid on the way. Who wouldn't be?

But did I do this right? of course not. This isn't at all the way Sabrina wanted it. I ruined what she had in mind. She had a vision of sorts. To save money for a nice wedding. To get married wearing her dress, to have family and friends there. Instead I got her pregnant… She wont be able to wear that dress for a long while now if ever… She didn't want to have a kid before getting married… My coming here has done nothing but put a financial burden on her. I've ruined everything. We're in over our heads. I still remember her crying. I can't even face her when she does that. I just want to hurt myself for that. I don't even want to be around her sometimes because I know that I'll upset her. I tend to do that often. I feel like everything I touch get's ruined… the Midas touch of destruction.

Right now I feel really low. I've hurt her feelings again. She never tells me what she feels. She's usually laying down and I'll leave her alone. I know it probably makes things worse but  I feel like I can't help at all. Why am I even here? Why should I wear this wedding band? I don't deserve it. It's been a week and already I feel like I failed as a husband. I'm not worthy of wearing it… When things get better or at her request I'll put it back on. Until then It'll go back to the box.

My stomach is hurting again and I'm needing cigarettes to calm my nerves.