Like most daughters I love my father. As a girl I kept him high on a pedestal and wanted to be just like him. Now more and more I realize how human he can be. He is someone who is very outgoing and friendly but there is a point where he can get in your face and be a reall jerk. My Dad is a pretty big man and sometimes he uses that as a defense, like he can say whatever he wants and get away with it because "he's the funny fat guy." He suffered a heart attack 2 years ago and has since done nothing about his weight . WE offer him healthy food and he sneaks off to McDonald's. We shell out the money for an exercise bike and he sits and watches TV all day only listening to our next door neighbor when he needs some extra help with his farm. It's like mom and I are there to serve him hand and foot and never to be listened to or taken seriously. He was a college professor for many years and just this year they let him go. He's been taking his anger out on my mother and I for the past 4 months. Just about anything we do he either laughs at or makes some stupid comment about. And he has this way of leaving my mother and I hanging when we need his help on something and then turns it around on us when we confront him about it. It's always our fault something goes wrong or we bit off more than we could chew. God forbid he be a team player and actually take responsibility. Like, you know, a man.

I've been really struggling with this a lot lately. I've been having a rough month or two it seems with men in general. My father also has ocd which makes it  more difficult because he will also use that as a crutch. I wish my dad would get his head out of his ass and shut his mouth when he messes up and just take it like a real man. No wonder I have such rotten luck with marriage and dating. I'm supposed to see how a relationship is supposed to work through my folks and it turns out my dad is a selfish coward. It makes me wonder if I can depend on him for anything. As a girl I saw him as someone who was invincible. So strong and loving. Now I sit here crying as I type wondering where my daddy has gone and will I ever see him again.