This is it.  I feel like i am dying tonight.  Boyfriend and I got into a huge fight, i got so worked up and cried that it made me even more sick than i have been for the past month and a half.  my fever is high, stomach hurts, congested, cough.  i really dont think i can do it anymore.  i want to cry but my tears literally burn my eyes….i feel like i am dying and i would be okay with it.  because i am always sick…i think i should be breaking up with my boyfriend, he is not treating me right, but i do not have the strength for a break up, and i love him and i just keep thinking it will be better during the summer. and it will be, but then we go back to college and i know it will get worse again.  how can this be? i thought he was the one i was going to marry.  i guess i thought wrong.  i am sad, i am pathetic, i want everything to be over. there is no longer a balance of good and bad.  if it is all bad what is there to keep me here? i am not going to commit suicide, but i feel like my sickness is killing me and im okay with it-i just want it to be over with.  i cannot take the pain anymore.  im burning up.  and i am online typing.  my best friend is at home because her grandma just passed away, i dont want to call with my lame tears that i always seem to have.  everyone else is out having a good time.  i am 21, this is supposed to be a wonderful fun time in my life.  but no, i am sick in ed every day, i want to be better, but it just doesnt seem like an option.  my doctor doesnt care. i got a new doctor but i cant see him till may 9th. that seems like lightyears away.  i dont think i can make it that long.  my parents are leaving on tuesday for a week for the domincan republic.  they deserve a vacation but i dont think i can make it a day without being able to talk to my mom.  every hour is a stuggle..there are so many things i want in life, a baby mostly, but to have my own house and car and be independent…so many things to live for, but i think i will always be sick, therefore i wont get any of those things, so what is there to live for? i was going so damn well, getting over the rape, being my own person, good jobs, exceling in art and then i got sick.  stupid stupid sick.  i feel like it is all over…….

3 Comments
  1. emorym 15 years ago

    I'm so sorry you are feeling this way….i remember the pain i felt toward the end of my previous marriage…..but things do find a way to work out……I think LadyRaines had it right…you do need to lean on God at this time.  Relationships are so hard to be in at times, let alone having ocd on top of it.  Hang in there…if you need to talk…..we are here for you.  One thing I have learned…..people with ocd are very compassionate towards others….we all go through what seems like unbearable times….but there is always hope….don't ever give up on that.

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  2. buffster 15 years ago

    u got a lot on ur plate to deal with hun..I know u've been thru what is quite possibly the most disempowering experience of ur life i.e. "ur assault" however u've managed to at least begin to crawl outta the abyss u were in & make a stab at normality again which is more than admirable..I don't know if ur physical illness now is totally based on ur unsure relationship with ur boyfriend however u're doing something which many if not most of us have done..which is tie up ur complete happiness & selfworth in one person..I'm not criticizing u for that however u must be responsible for ur own happiness & worth in life as its not fair either to u or anyone ur involved with to do otherwise..I'm paraphrasing here but read this once "when 2 halves come together they do not make a whole..but when 2 wholes come together they make a union which is perfect love"..be strong

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  3. surviving 15 years ago

    wow!

    You are definetly dealing with alot right now.

    Just remember that there are always oppeople who care for you and would hate if you left.

    SMILE!

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