back at school. the night before classes and I can't sleep. so many things over such a long have happened to make me feel this low, but I should have no reason to complain. I am lucky, besides the depression I'm healthy, I'm young, and desired. Someone told me today that they evied me, and I just smiled and laughed it off, but I felt bitter inside. I feel ungrateful, because, regardless of all the luck and good fortune that I've recieved….I feel awful.
I feel like this puzzle piece that can't seem to fit in anywhere. I feel uncomfortable everyone, and I have so much saddness locked away in me that I cannot connect to anyone. I want one person, just one person, that I could know here, in the flesh, that could share some of the same feelings that I have. Because I know that I should be able to belong, I should, but instead I feel hopeless, worthless and utterly alone.
I can't tell anyone except my mom and therapist. Depression, or should I say, my acknowledgement of my condition has tarred me forever with my old friends. I am an "issue" to be handeled, worked around, delt with. The stigma of mental illness follows me around even though I could no more chose to have depression than colon cancer.
I have to finish my degree but part of me doesn't know….what this all is…no make that all of me. I have no idea what I am doing this for. I hate putting on this stupid face for everyone. Everyone thinks I should be happy, but I feel so conspicuous. My irrational mind searches for the "one thing" that could make me feel more connected….this thing of course, does not exisit.
There seems like there is no place for me anywhere, not at home with my parents, not at school…I don't feel like a person I feel like a shell. I don't know what to do