I haven't been doing too much lately. Just sitting around waiting for my crappy seasonal job to begin.
I have goals, fortunately. One of my main goals is to get my boyfriend's parents here from Russia. Unobtainable currently, as Canada has shut down it's immigration to parents of immigrants for another year and a half. Still, we'll be required to provide a basic income above $45,000, and my boyfriends plus my own do not account for that.
I'm just not getting anywhere. Recently, we had went to Florida, which really helped me clear my mind and put me at ease. For one entire week, I had nothing really to obsess over. I didn't need to obsess over who likes me or not (they were all far away), I didn't have to get pushed into driving (my Mom drove both my boyfriend and myself around since being under 25 causes the price to go up a lot), and for that one, I had little to worry about for school or job prospects.
Last year, I took a big step. I moved out of my parent's house and I'm still in the same apartment. But I still don't drive. I WANT to drive. I want to feel like everyone else. But I'm so worried that I'd hit the gas or something on someone when they're, say, walking across the street, and end up hurting/killing someone. What happens if I get one of those thoughts while driving?! My life would be over. I'd hurt innocent people and I'd be placed in jail. No one else gets it. I don't trust myself. I know that it's OCD but I'm worried I'd just "give in" to the thoughts and do it. Why risk it? Why risk the guilt all because everybody is pushing me to drive?
But imagine if I didn't have these thoughts. I could drive like my little sister, confidently. Sure, I'd be nervous about the same thing as all new drivers would be.
I basically had got an offer for a good time. It's an expanding company. It's got nothing to do with my field (Social Service Worker), and my friend really wanted me on it. Problem is: It's in a place far away, like over an hour, and I can't drive. I can't do the job because I can't drive.
Sometimes, I get mad at the world. I hate how everyone pushes me to drive. But I also know that it's an avoidence behaviour.
I only know of people with Harm OCD online and even then, I trick myself into thinking I'm somehow different. I'M the person who'll lose it!
I know a lot about myself. I know it's a problem. I'm always distracted and I can never focus. If I see a job online, I think; "Well, how will I get there?" If I see a Social Service Worker online, I think; "What do I tell them about WHY I've never done the job anywhere before having graduated back in 2009!?"
I feel like a dissapointment. I want a family. I want to move into a house. I want to have a job I enjoy, one which doesn't stress me out and distract me. I always feel like someone is judging me! They see me screw up and can't understand how anyone can be so stupid.
The paxil has worked somewhat. I'm no longer obsessing as much as formlerly and the side effects have been small. I've lost my sexual drive, which is to be expected. If I go off the pills or forget them for say, merely a day, I'll know because I'll get night sweats and feel irriatable. Without me knowing, my body is addicted to paxil. I've never felt that feeling before but yes, my body was relapsing…
I was thinking about looking into a specific kind of counsellor. Perhaps one which deals directly with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I keep grinding my teeth constantly and it's not good for my jaw or my teeth. I also keep pulling out strands of hair casually and I can't stop wiggling my foot. Thankfully, my boyfriend doesn't mind, even when it continues as we sleep.
The good news? Summer is on it's way. And we're planning to go to Russia. That still means I have to face reality, but I'll get another break.