For many years I have mourned your loss. Never understanding why you left or why didn’t want me or any of your other children. What caused you to become so cold? Memories I once thought were right seem to merge together to form a fantasy. The fantasy I want. A vision of you once holding my hand, once caring, is split in two by the reality that you were never there. You sat in the background and watched your little girl go. And when I knew you, you left. I was left shattered at best. Many times I've wondered why you chose to go and many times I've wished you hadn't. Now I don't care. Your drugs would have entered your veins and the situation would have entered my heart like the toxin in those drugs. Your meth would have caused my end. The trigger and the bullet. You were the one thing that used to kill me. But you don't anymore. No longer will I allow you to have that control. If you want to leave then go. I'll burn the few pictures I found locked in a box. And with them I will send the memories into the ashes. You were never there. You don't exist. I know your disguise. I've been told about your cruelties. I know who you are. And I thank god that you don't know me. You are the devil and you are not my father. Sometimes i used to hope you would come back, now I wish you were never there in the first place. I used to hope I would see you and you would love me, now I wish I had never seen your photograph. i used to spend time thinking I was a waste of space because you never wanted me, you were around when i was convenient, now I see you are just a waste of time. Never again will you enter my mind. Pay up and get out of my life. I don't need you and I don't want you and I don't miss you. You're not my father, you don't exist and I don't love you. I am better than you and your schemes. I am better than you and your manipulation and lies. I am better than you and your meth. I am not your little girl, Daddy. I never was and I never will be. You are not a part of me, for I could never be like you.
The story behind this blog: My father and mother met in a Safeway parking lot when they were 18. My father was addicted to meth and had dropped out of school. He was kind, told my mom things she wanted to hear and was the ideal man around my family, everyone fell for him. His facade was shattered the day my mother told me she was pregnant with me. It was like his facade just withered right there and fell to the floor and his real and ugly self came through. He became angry, disrespectful, and a liar and the best of manipulators. He hit my mother when she was pregnant with me and could have caused a miscarriage and he was going to hurt her more but my aunt was there and kicked his a** before he could hurt my mother even more and cause her to have a miscarriage. He never helped with me. Never contributed money or love. He left. Skipped town and didn't look back. When i was about a year old my mother had recieved a call from him saying he wanted to be able to see me. Every weekend we would go to the park and he would simply sit on a bench and smoke and watch my uncle play with me; my uncle would come for mine and my mother's safety and my father never interracted with me. I was a smart child. My mother explained to me who he was when I was old enough to understand, I accepted that he was my father but I always referred to him as "the man at the park". I never got attached to him. I never had time to anyways because he didn't show up for 98% of the meetings. I guess a 2 hour visit at the park with his daughter was too much to ask for. One day when I was a little older he didn't show up for the meeting and my mother recieved a text from him saying he had moved to California. He never told us he had intentions of doing this. He moved around a lot, however, there was one instance where he visited Washington state and decided he should see me so my mother, uncle, aunt, and grandparents and I all went. they wanted to come for my mom's safety and mine. He had been trying to fight for custody for me and not even because he wanted me, simply because he knew if my mother didn't have me it would hurt me and this was still going on when he came to visit so obviously everyone was kind of scared. We went and he tried to take me from my mother; he had a friend in a car right outside the mall and friends scattered around the mall to pull it off. Luckily it didn't work. This is as much as I know about my father and there are only a few "fill in the blanks" I've had answered from my mom because she doesn't like talking about him: 1.) he was abusive throughout the relationship and an all around bad person. 2.) when I was about 6 he got her friend pregnant with a baby girl and also skipped out on her, my mother and that woman are obviously no lnoger friends 3.) my mother and her friend are just two of the collection of women who have children because of him, 4.) he does not pay my child support nor any other child that he has. and last but not least 5.) there is a restraining order on him because of how dangerous he is and she does not want me to go and find him but she thinks he is in Alaska and has gone into the military and has a family. he still has not baid any of the $17,000 he owes in child support and he is trying to get a paternity test right now, the only communication she has with him are through court documents and she will not do the paternity test because it means his signature which he signed the day I was born confirming he was my mother will be overturned and what he owes in child support will be cut in half and my mother and I are not looking to let that happen.
Well, this was a really long blog and thank you to those of you who stuck with me through it and if any had to drop out during it I understand, it is quite long and maybe not that interesting. Thank you for everyone who has read this, even if you didn't read it all 🙂 oh and P.S. as to behind the mood I set for the blog, I am thankful because I'm not wasting my time on someone who chose to walk out on me anymore and I've finally come to rise above it and it's an elated and blissful feeling for sure. sometimes it's okay to say someone is a waste of time and that you're better than them or it's their loss and I am okay with saying that when it comes to my father. 🙂